The Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows

Then – January 1, 1998 (yes, 1998)

1997 is over.  I never thought a single year could bring so many changes to my life.  I was a very different person a year ago.  In 1997 I started to find myself and live again.  I am very fortunate I have been able to do that.  It was not without loss or pain, but I have grown so much.  I am quite possibly the happiest I have ever been in my life.  1998 has the potential for me to be even happier.

Something amazing happened on Christmas Day.  My life has become a fairy tale.  The most loving, attentive, sensitive, smart, funny and handsome man walked back into my life.  I suppose I actually walked back into his, but nevertheless, we found each other again.  I am so thankful, but I am also scared.  It all feels like a dream – and all dreams end.  If I could have one wish it would be that I could make him happy for the rest of our lives.  I have finally found someone who shares my romantic ideas about how life should be.  I want to share everything with him.

One person should not be allowed so much happiness.  I’m sure I have enough joy and optimism at the moment to share with the world.  I have never been so in love in all my life.  He told me tonight that he is in love with me.  I have known since Christmas Day that we would be together.  I love him so much.  I’ll be joining him in New York in the near future.  It’s been a week and things are moving so quickly, but I’ve never been more sure of anything in my whole life.  Happy New Year!  Today truly is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Now

I look back at this entry and it makes me giggle.  Biology is an amazing thing.  The love endorphins were firing and major decisions were being made while the high was intact.

I am much relieved 2012 is over.  Perhaps a new year is a time for new beginnings.  My life nearly fell apart last year after my husband told me he did not love me, but I could remain in the house to be a mother for our children.  (I’m wondering at this point if that means being the nanny and maid.)  I was thinking I could be content to live in the same house with a husband who does not love me to save our family.  At least I had time to figure it out.  He was not divorcing me immediately.

After a year of many ups and downs and realizing that I could not stay in a relationship just for the sake of my children, I am still uncertain of what our future holds.  He still does not tell me he loves me, but he seems to understand that our family situation has to work for me.  I need to be content as a person.  At times we are comfortable and enjoy each other’s company.  Then as so many times before, the rug is pulled out from under me and I’m back to keeping myself at a distance from him to protect myself.

These ups and downs are not particular to this past year alone.  They have been a part of our entire relationship, as you will see if you choose to continue to read.  My life with my husband has been a collection of the highest highs and the lowest lows.  There are times when I think it will all be fine moving forward and then there are other times that I feel like such a fool for allowing the pattern to continue.

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