Getting on the Ride

Then – January 2, 1998

Reality set in, in a big way, today.  I don’t think I realized how much I am giving up to be with him.  I  love my new apartment, living in Los Angeles, my career, and independence, but I know I love him more.  I know I will go to him.  I hope I don’t completely lose my sense of independence and freedom.  I’m going to miss my sister, and all my friends on the west coast.  I’ll still be able to visit.  I know I’ll feel better after I talk to him again.  I know I just can’t stay here with him so far away.  I love him and ache all over needing to be with him.

Later that day…

Well after three hours on the phone, I think I had my fix.  We have a lot to work out, but in the long run – actually in the near future, things will be okay.

Tomorrow I am going to look for a birthday present for him.  I’m going to make him chocolate truffles for Valentine’s Day and I won’t even have to ship them.  I’m off to get some much needed sleep.

Now

Somehow I knew even then that I was putting too many eggs into one basket.  Emotionally I didn’t give myself any choice.  My brain did not kick in to require me to allow more time to let the relationship develop.  I committed to moving so quickly.  It seemed safe.  I had known his family for so many years.  What was the worst thing that could happen?  I would move to NYC and get to experience all that it had to offer.  If the relationship didn’t work, I would figure it out from there.  Problem is that I’m still figuring it out!  It was like getting on a ride that kept going faster and faster.  Now here I am 15 years later and I still can’t figure out if it’s time to get off the ride.

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