Then – January 2, 1998
Reality set in, in a big way, today. I don’t think I realized how much I am giving up to be with him. I love my new apartment, living in Los Angeles, my career, and independence, but I know I love him more. I know I will go to him. I hope I don’t completely lose my sense of independence and freedom. I’m going to miss my sister, and all my friends on the west coast. I’ll still be able to visit. I know I’ll feel better after I talk to him again. I know I just can’t stay here with him so far away. I love him and ache all over needing to be with him.
Later that day…
Well after three hours on the phone, I think I had my fix. We have a lot to work out, but in the long run – actually in the near future, things will be okay.
Tomorrow I am going to look for a birthday present for him. I’m going to make him chocolate truffles for Valentine’s Day and I won’t even have to ship them. I’m off to get some much needed sleep.
Somehow I knew even then that I was putting too many eggs into one basket. Emotionally I didn’t give myself any choice. My brain did not kick in to require me to allow more time to let the relationship develop. I committed to moving so quickly. It seemed safe. I had known his family for so many years. What was the worst thing that could happen? I would move to NYC and get to experience all that it had to offer. If the relationship didn’t work, I would figure it out from there. Problem is that I’m still figuring it out! It was like getting on a ride that kept going faster and faster. Now here I am 15 years later and I still can’t figure out if it’s time to get off the ride.