Never Good Enough

Then – January 3, 1998

I talked to him a few times today.  This move is becoming a reality.  We discussed kitchen space, bathrooms and laundry.   We are getting domestic already.

I had a good but busy day.  I worked out and went shopping.  Because I was not home all day, I missed something that he sent me.  Hopefully I’ll get it tomorrow.  I am very curious.  I found a dress to take to NYC.  I need to find another.  I am so excited I am finally able to go there.  He agreed to Spago for dinner on Valentine’s Day here in LA.  I’d also like to take him to Off Vine.  I’m going to make him dinner, but I don’t know what yet.  I just want to make him happy.  I love him way too much.  It feels so amazing to do these things with someone who wants to do them!

Now

Oh how I so wanted to do everything to make him happy and show him how much I loved and appreciated him.  The problem was it never turns out to be the right things.  While shopping for him this past Christmas, at a moment when we were getting along, I found a beautiful jacket and purchased it for him as a Christmas gift.  It was not days later that we were no longer being agreeable with each other, that all the feelings of past purchases gone unappreciated came flooding back.  Why was I spending this money on him?  Worse yet, why was I setting myself up for failure?  The gifts always get put aside to collect dust, the cookies are always burned and the dinner is never good enough.  No wonder I stopped trying.

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