I want to BE a family!

Then – January 6, 1998

Today my soon to be ex husband served me my papers for divorce.  It was actually quite civil.  He asked me if what we had was real.  He said he needed to know that it was.  I did love him very much.

Yesterday I received two beautiful sweaters from my new beau in New York.  I’m not sure about his desire to give me things, but it is great to feel like someone thinks enough of me to do things like that.  I just hope he realizes it’s the gesture and not the “things”.  We had a great chat last night.  His team won their division for volleyball.  They play again Friday night.  He was very excited and very cute on the phone.

It looks like I’ll be off to Rio with him, shortly after I get there.  I began to make plans to move.  I think February 16th will be the day.  It actually works out he will be here to help.  I don’t think I could do it without him.  I guess I wouldn’t be doing it without him.

Tonight I’m going out with my friend (my gay hairdresser) for drinks.  It will be a nice diversion.

Now –

It was so easy to get a divorce back in 1998.  No kids, not a lot of stuff, ready to move on.  But now I’m not sure where I would be moving on to.  Of course I want my children.  I don’t want time on my own while they are at their father’s house.  I don’t want to divide up the holidays.  I don’t want to go to recitals and pretend to be a family and sit together.  I want to BE a family!

My ex husband and I didn’t have any reason to stay in touch, unless we wanted to.  We kept in touch for over ten years.   The father of my children and I would have to be in touch regularly regarding the children and their logistics.  There is no way to have him removed from my life.  I guess we could text and email.  How painful would it be to see him take the kids away for his weekends with them?  How left out would I feel?

When we are getting along and he’s not intensely happy or in one of his dark moods, I don’t want to leave him.  It comes and goes, up and down, like and emotional roller coaster.


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