No Guarantees

Then – January 11, 1998

I’m flying home from NYC.  I should feel more sad than I do, but somehow knowing that I’ll see him again in 12 days and 6 or so hours, makes it a bit easier.  Literally all that I do will be to get organized and moved.  There is going to be a lot I need to put into storage, but that’s okay.

I had a fantastic weekend in NYC. Thursday night I got in about 11:30 and he was able to meet me at the gate at the airport as he told them his infirmed mother was on the flight.  I’m so glad he was there.  We rode home in a cab and well, things had not changed since Christmas.  We definitely still felt the same if not more for each other.  Although we had previously agreed to take it slow – we didn’t.  There is absolutely nothing more amazing than physically sharing yourself with someone that you are completely in love with.  There is no way to describe the feelings he brings out in me.  I am pretty sure I do the same for him.

Initially when I got there we went for a walk so I could see the neighborhood.  I think I will do well there.  It has a lot to offer.  On Friday we slept in – well not really – 8:30 or 5:30 to me.  I was too excited to sleep.  He needed to stop at the office and I had some work I needed to do, so we walked to get bagels and then on to his office.   We walked to Pier 1 to look for a stand for my new bathroom, but no luck.  We had lunch at a Chinese restaurant and went home to nap.

His team played in the quads for his volleyball.  Unfortunately they lost the first match.  He really seems to be a team player and has a great attitude about winning and losing.  I met the girlfriend of one of the players.   She was really nice to chat with and hopefully once I get here in February I’ll see her again at other games.  I also met the couple, with whom we were supposed to go to Rio.  As it looks like they will no longer be a couple, Rio is quickly looking like it’s not going to happen.  We can make other plans, but I feel bad for them.  She did not come out with us after the game, so I didn’t get to talk with her, but everyone else was great.  We ate ourselves into oblivion.  We planned to go to a movie, but just went home instead.  Later we went out for coffee and dessert.  A magician entertained us in the café.  It was truly a magical experience sitting with him and being under the magician’s spell.

On Saturday we went to brunch and to the office.  I went shopping and then we attempted to see a movie.  We ended up walking around a lot, stopped at Barnes and Noble and then finally found a movie that wasn’t sold out.  We saw an American Werewolf in Paris.  Not our first pick.  Afterwards we had dinner at Le Zoo. It was so delicious and romantic.  I had risotto with squash, nutmeg and parmesan and salad.   We also split a bottle of wine and dessert.  He may like dessert even more than I do.  We had a really good chat over dinner which got fairly intense.  We asked for the check and got home and into bed.

I couldn’t help but feel sad this morning.  I am eager to get home.  I do like my space, but somehow my space won’t be the same without him in it.  We’ve basically decided that we plan to be together for the rest of our lives.  It still won’t be enough.  In five short days he has made my life complete.  I can’t imagine 40 to 50 years.  I am truly the luckiest person and could not ask for anything more.

Now –

I was correct.  I couldn’t imagine the next 40 or 50 years.  Who can?  It’s only been 15 years and I’m not sure I’ll make it to 40 years with him!  I read the entry in my journal from the past and wonder how we got from there to here.  That is my story.  That is my reflection and the purpose of writing.  Our relationship  still has some good left.  It’s awkward.  We are not comfortable.  It will take me a long time to trust again after this past year.  There is no guarantee that he will not decide that he has had enough and leave.  I’m not convinced that he is not staying just for the sake of the children.  I want there to be something for us.  Slowly, patiently, I live my life.  Trying to be a good wife and mother.  I guess there are never any guarantees on the path of life.

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