Envious?

Then – January 12, 1998

I made it through the day at work.  A former boyfriend and I had lunch.  He thinks I’m absolutely insane – but I think part of it is his ego.  I can’t argue though that it is all happening very quickly.  Another potential beau also stopped by, as he had heard the news of me leaving.  He is very cute – geez!  I think my friend is right, that he would have been very bad for me.  It could have been a fun experiment however.  But none of that matters now.

I got a  call from NYC at 6:30 am my time, during a break from his meetings.  It is always so good to hear his voice.  He also called while I was at work and we had a longer chat.  He seemed pleased that I wanted to take a real vacation.  I am looking forward to spending time away with him.  I also received a dozen red roses today.  They were outside my door when I got home.  They are absolutely gorgeous.  Every gay man in my building is jealous.  Today he told me he is going to call his mom and tell her about us.  He wasn’t going to at first.  I think I can be a positive influence in his life with his family.

Tonight I began to make lists of what to take, give to my mother, etc.  I think mom is going to make out like a bandit.  I just need to see how much it’s going to cost to get this all to her.  She can use it though.

Now –

Last night I had dinner with friends – all ladies.  Two out of six of us are in the process of getting divorced.  Two of us admitted (only to each other) that while we felt sad about their families breaking up, that we were also envious that they had made the tough decision and were moving forward with their lives.  Envious?  We talked about marriage not being what we expected.  We discussed that when people only lived to 40 years old, an “until death do us part” marriage was not that unreasonable, but current day  we live a lot longer.

If I’m lucky about  half of my life is over.  I don’t want to look back at the second half of my life and find that all my energy was spent holding a relationship together  that was not healthy.  I’m just not sure if I can do it on my own.

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