Then – January 19, 1998
Tonight I want to write about something that happened in the past. If I had to guess, it was about September of last year. I lay awake in bed and couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about things and suddenly he popped into my head and my head started pounding – not to mention my heart. After that I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night.
It wasn’t until the end of October that I got a hold of my friend to tell her about me and my husband breaking up. For some reason there was no way to tell her – even though I knew she was my only tie to him. Ironically enough she was the one who brought up the fact that he may be interested in knowing that I was separated. I was very glad that she brought up the subject, because I’m not sure how I would have had the nerve. She is truly my best friend.
He finally called me about a week before Christmas. I wasn’t going to call him prior to seeing him at Christmas. I wasn’t making the trip to see him, but I knew he’d be there. Somehow I think this is all meant to be.
I feel so bad my soon to be ex husband and I are both suffering over our relationship. He is absolutely a wonderful person. I love him so much – he’s just not right for me. I’m not even sure my friend’s brother is, but it feels amazing to me to be this in love. I can’t let it pass and not seize the opportunity to find out if we are to be together. I hope we have long and wonderful life together. Even if it’s not long – let it be wonderful.
The magnetism and excitement has turned into a mere circling in each others midst. Tripping over each other while with the children and then going to our separate corners when they are not around. Sometimes I feel like I can live this way for a while. Occasionally there is connection between us. What is more important than raising our children as a family? Other times I long for the freedom of him not being in the house, being spared his comments and belongings. When I look at my children those moments pass and I know I have no choice emotionally but to press on to try to make this work.