Circling in Each Others Midst

Then – January 19, 1998

Tonight I want to write about something that happened in the past.  If I had to guess, it was about September of last year.  I lay awake in bed and couldn’t sleep.  I kept thinking about things and suddenly he popped into my head and my head started pounding – not to mention my heart.  After that I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night.

It wasn’t until the end of October that I got a hold of my friend to tell her about me and my husband breaking up.  For some reason there was no way to tell her – even though I knew she was my only tie to him.  Ironically enough she was the one who brought up the fact that he may be interested in knowing that I was separated.  I was very glad that she brought up the subject, because I’m not sure how I would have had the nerve.  She is truly my best friend.

He finally called me about a week before Christmas.  I wasn’t going to call him prior to seeing him at Christmas.  I wasn’t making the trip to see him, but I knew he’d be there.  Somehow I think this is all meant to be.

I feel so bad my soon to be ex husband and I are both suffering over our relationship.  He is absolutely a wonderful person.  I love him so much – he’s just not right for me.  I’m not even sure my friend’s brother is, but it feels amazing to me to be this in love.  I can’t let it pass and not seize the opportunity to find out if we are to be together.  I hope we have long and wonderful life together.  Even if it’s not long – let it be wonderful.

Now –

The magnetism and excitement has turned into a mere circling in each others midst.  Tripping over each other while with the children and then going to our separate corners when they are not around.  Sometimes I feel like I can live this way for a while.  Occasionally there is connection between us.  What is more important than raising our children as a family?  Other times I long for the freedom of him not being in the house, being spared his comments and belongings.  When I look at my children those moments pass and I know I have no choice emotionally but to press on to try to make this work.

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