Protected

Then – January 20, 1998

I’m tired and a little intense tonight.  As usual he helped me feel better.  He is absolutely wonderful.  I need to get him something special for his birthday, but what?  Ugh.  I’ll think of something.  I think I need to get the clock I saw for his kitchen and bring it on this trip.  I hope he likes it…  It’s old fashioned and seems to fit in with his NYC kitchen.

January 21, 1998

Two more days.  Once again I feel the pressure of seeing him.  I hope we still get along okay – geez, what the hell am I doing?

One of my old flames called me today, only because he saw me in a meeting and I looked great.  He’s so shallow, but HELLO! He’ so cute.  Nice shirt…  I haven’t returned his call.  Maybe I’ll stop by tomorrow.  Maybe I shouldn’t.

All I do know is I can’t wait to go to NYC to see him.  I’m starting to scare myself with my emotional flip flops.  I sound psycho!  I spoke with a good friend today.  Sounds like we are on to see her and her boyfriend on February 6th, while we are in San Francisco.  I hope he can handle the terrible twins together!  He and her boyfriend will have nothing in common, but that’s okay.  I just want to see my friend before I go to NY.  She has been a very awesome and supportive friend.  I will miss her a ton.

January 22, 1998

Tomorrow is the day.  Why do I feel so much pressure?  All I want is to be happy with him.  This is trip number two to see him.   I hope all goes well.  I didn’t spend much time with him on the phone.  I felt too anxious.  I love him so much, I’m just a little scared.

Now –

Well, I still feel anxious and scared, but now it’s less about wanting to be with him and more about trying to hold the family together.  He and I went to a basketball game this weekend.  It was fun to get out and I had gotten really good seats.  I love basketball, but I also got the tickets for his 48th birthday present.  He did thank me once we sat down.  Other than the basketball, we didn’t have much to talk about.  We sat in the car for a while, trying to get out of the parking lot, without much to say to each other.

Mostly I am fairly talkative, but lately I think of things to say and then stop myself when with him.  What is the point?  I will either get a negative reaction or no reaction, so it seems better to keep things to myself where they are protected.  Sometimes I feel that he actively puts me down.  Maybe it makes him feel better?  Maybe it makes him feel in control? Superior?  Not sure.  But if I don’t put my thoughts out there, they are still mine and he doesn’t have those pieces of me to squish.

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