Still Don’t Have the Answers

Then – February 1, 1998

I am so scared.  I can’t even explain how I feel.  I don’t feel right.  I feel so insecure.  This is not like me.  Will this be okay?  I didn’t feel any connection to him today on the phone.  I only felt it when I was on my own.  Why?  Is the magic going away already or am I just scared?  I know I love him. I miss him so much.   I am so upset, but I can’t call him.  It’s too late – although he is probably up.  Will I take second place to his work?  Will we be happy?  Will he love me?  Can I make him happy?  I feel like I’m slipping away and I can’t hold on.  I’m tired.  Tired of packing, moving, and changes.  Can I hold on until I get to New York?  Can I get through more changes in my life?  Will I be happy?  Is he right for me?  In reality only time will tell.  I need to look into his eyes.  Five more days.

Now – I still don’t have the answers to these questions.  Perhaps it’s a problem that I am still asking the same questions 15 years later.

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