Then – February 2, 1998
He called me at 6:30 this morning. He told me he knew I was upset by the way I was acting yesterday on the phone and he had expected to have this morning’s conversation last night. If he hadn’t been so distracted by work maybe we would have. I felt a lot better after talking with him. I’m so glad he can do that for me. I actually had a pretty good day. I made several phone calls, worked on my resume, mailed cookies and brownies to him, went to the gym – yeah! I got stuff done. I also talked to some good friends. This weekend is going to be fun. I thank god for all the good friends I have and all the wonderful things that are happening in my life. I just hope I can keep up with all the changes.
Now there are no phone calls at 6:30am. I feel like I am just left to wonder where he is in relation to our marriage. Even if I ask him, he doesn’t seem to know. We are just drifting from one day to the next. How do I trust that he is not just biding his time until the kids are older? Waiting to divorce me? When I tell him that I am not happy and that I want to have a relationship with him, he does not seem interested in making things better. When I express that I am frustrated enough that I cannot live like this, he asks me if the kids do not count. Of course they count. But what kind of parent am I going to be if I am unhappy in a major component of my life? My husband is supposed to be the one I lean on. Instead I feel like he’s the biggest road block for me being happy and myself. Would he want this type of relationship for his own daughter?