Then (One Year Ago)
Sometimes I can feel brave like I can handle anything and other times I start to feel like I am going to have a panic attack. I try to remember that right now, everything is okay. But really, it’s not. My family life is being threatened by a husband who refuses to try to work on our marriage. Today I emailed him and asked him if he would go to counseling with me. I’ve found a counselor I’d like to try, but would like for us both to go. If he won’t go, I will go by myself. How can you not work on a marriage that has lasted for 13 years and created two beautiful children? In the past he has sworn that he will never do counseling again. Why not? Is it because he knows deep down that how he is being is unreasonable? Have I been that horrible of a wife that I do not deserve to be able to try to make it better?
We got through his birthday unscathed. We went out for BBQ for dinner. We came home and frosted the cupcakes we had baked after school. All in all a huge improvement over last year as I have written about previously.
Turns out I won’t be going to NYC with my sister this weekend due to a huge snow storm coming to the North East. I think he was actually feeling a little disappointed for me. My last trip to be taken on my own was cancelled as well. He was agreeable to having my sister come here instead and also offered to pay for a hotel elsewhere. Neither worked out, but it was very nice that he tried to help make it better.
The next morning he asked if I would give him a hug before he left for work. Maybe the passing of another birthday (and no sex for about a month) was making him kinder? Although I feel very protective of myself, I gave him a hug. It’s amazing how that little bit of contact helped change my perspective. I had a little more optimism. I planned a little for our summer vacation. I listened to Tiny Dancer by Elton John and had a good cry. I started reading “Silver Linings Playbook”, since I know we won’t be going to the movie.