Leaving for NYC and Saying Goodbye

Then – February 13, 1998

I can’t even being to explain all that has happened.  He arrives tonight to help me move all my things to NYC.  Last night I saw Mikhail Baryshnikov, this afternoon I said goodbye to my soon to be ex- husband.

My evening with Mikhail Baryshnikov was great.  I went alone.  It was a big evening for me as I cleaned up my desk at work in preparation for leaving and then went to the theater – by myself.  It was my last night in Los Angeles and I wanted to spend it alone.  Well really I wanted to spend it with Mikhail Baryshnikov, but this was the best I could do.  This town holds special meaning for me.  I will truly miss it.

Saying goodbye to my ex husband was very good therapy.  He told me not to feel guilty and that he didn’t hate me.  He had contemplated killing himself but decided to live.  He loved me almost more than his life.  Thank god he chose life – lord knows I am not worth it.  He has to be stronger than that.  I can only pray he continues to think that he is.  I love him so much and can’t stand the thought of being responsible for him feeling this way.  Last weekend I said goodbye to many people, but he was the hardest.  At least he held me and told me I’d be okay.  I know I will.  I hope he will be too.

Now – How things change.  I want to assure everyone that my ex-husband came through our divorce just fine.  He started dating and became the person I wished he had been more like when we were married.  Years later he shared with me that he didn’t know why he pushed so hard against going out and doing more social things, or going on day trips to different places, while we were married.  Now with someone else he admitted, they were some of his favorite things to do.  He said the more I pushed the more he recoiled.  He said he was sorry that he didn’t try.  I’m sorry he didn’t too.  He is now happily married to a woman who has three daughters by a previous marriage.  I wish him only the best.

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