The Side of Him I Really Don’t Enjoy

Then – March 3, 1998

Hello from St. Maarten.  Let the universe take care of me?  My friend was so right.  This is not so bad.  We arrived on Friday night and had the taxi ride from hell to the hotel.  We are on the furthest side of the island from the airport.  The “taxi driver” had to stop and ask for directions and then we traversed through a very rough unpaved road to the Blue Beach Hotel.   It’s absolutely gorgeous.  From our balcony you can see the ocean and marina and houses on the hillside.  We also face the pool.  This island is very small so it’s easy to get around except for the hilly and less than well paved roads that are maintained by the local goats.

We have tried some good restaurants and I think the two best are yet to come – for Wednesday and Friday nights.  We have visited Margot Grand Case and Phillipsburg.  We traveled to the top of the highest peak – Pic Paradise.  It’s a good thing we got a jeep – it would have been a long hike.  The view was spectacular.  We have driven around most of the island.  The best beach we found so far was Baie Orientale.  It’s fairly commercialized with chairs and umbrellas and waiters, but it’s beautiful and also has sports equipment.  Yesterday we just swam and sat in the sun.  Today we snorkeled so I could see if I liked it.  It was really peaceful.  I loved seeing the few fishes  off the shore.

Things got a little hectic before we left for our trip.  I’m not sure if it was the stress of all my belongings arriving at  his little apartment, but in any case he was not in a good mood.  I’m sure we’ll find somewhere to put everything, but it was a little cramped with all the boxes.  I saw a side of  him I really don’t enjoy.  It passed, but left me feeling down about moving in.  I felt like I was imposing in some way.  Wasn’t this move for both of us?  Sorry if I have a life to bring with me.  At least he got over it fairly quickly and the trip got off to a good start.

Tonight at dinner he and I talked about saving money and having a plan for the future.  It’s odd having even a short conversation on the subject with someone other than my first husband.  My ex and I talked and planned so much, but it just wasn’t enough to keep us together.  My current partner fulfills what went unsatisfied for so long.  He just knows how to take care of me.  It’s confusing though as he can be so sensitive, and yet has a very different side that comes out at times.  He can be such a superior snob.  I hope I can learn to understand him. I hope we can make each other happy for a long time.  I am so scared and yet so happy.  Postcard writing awaits…

Now –

Things have been going well for a few weeks, but the side of him I really don’t enjoy came out last night.  I was thinking about how to write about it and then voila! My entry from 15 years ago ties in perfectly to how I am feeling today.  I was a little more confused about it all back then.  It has been long enough now that I am not surprised when he gets dismissive and rude, but it still disturbing.  Not sure how things will go this weekend or how quickly we’ll recover from last night.  Part of me wants to just forget it and move forward, but part of me finds it unacceptable.  It makes me sad when the feeling comes back that I am only biding my time until I decide not to put up with it any more.

He has said more than once he is not perfect.  Certainly none of us are.

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