Après Anniversary

Then  – March 13, 1998

I’m not sure where the time goes, but another week has gone by.  On Sunday I leave for Los Angeles.  I think he will be happy to have the place to himself again for a while.  I think I’m taking more getting used to than he thought I would.

It was a good week.  On Monday I had a slight PMS related crisis.  I was feeling isolated and he wasn’t helping, but we got over it quickly.   He is so in his own world and wrapped up in his work when he gets home.  I’m ready to chat and visit and need some attention after being alone all day.   He’s content reading the paper over dinner and I need some interaction.  It’s not a good combination at all.

Tuesday we met friends for drinks and Thursday we went out with people after volleyball.  I started to feel better doing some social things.  I need to get out and interact.  I love people watching in New York!

This week I got myself unpacked and visited the storage locker.  I feel a little more organized and centered.  I was able to send out 10 resumes and have already received calls back on two.  So far I’ve received  four calls out of 16 resumes – not bad.  At least I have some leads to work on when I return.  I will be happy to get back into Human Resources.

Today I got a manicure and went to the MOMA.  He won’t be home until late as he went to Connecticut.  I hope we have a good day tomorrow.  I’m really going to miss him.

March 15, 1998

Well I’m on my way back to Los Angeles and thankfully yesterday was a good day.  I feel so wrapped up in him.  I feel like I’m losing myself.  I need these three weeks to get my head on straight.  I love him so much it scares me.  I need to go for a run…

We went to ABC twice to pick out rugs.  They should be beautiful and ready for delivery when I get back from my stint in LA.  We walked through Union Square and picked up salad and bread and tulips to take home for dinner.  We got fresh pasta and sauce at a little shop near our home.  Dinner was good.  We saw a movie, “The Man in an Iron Mask”.  Good cast, good acting, could have been a better film.  I packed, we ate.  I would have liked to go out, but he was tired…  but not too tired for sex.  I love him so much and he makes me feel so good.  Please let him miss me and want me to come back.

Now –

The day after our anniversary started with him not complaining a bit when I asked him to help me move mattresses, fix the bed and replace some linens.  Certainly an act of contrition.

I had a long day at home to think about things.  I tried to call him once, but of course he was busy working on something.  Towards the end of the day I got a call from a friend who told me she was moving out of her boyfriend’s house.  Sadly she had moved her ten year old daughter in along with her and now was disrupting them both.  Sounds like moving out will be better for them.  How does the love of your life and your soul mate turn into such a bad choice as time goes by?  I felt the familiar pangs of jealousy knowing that she had made the hard decision and was getting out of her painful relationship.

He came home and apologized for having a bad day the day before.  A bad day?  He didn’t seem to be having all that bad of a day until I pointed out it was our anniversary.  I asked him if he had remembered and he admitted he hadn’t, even though we had certainly talked about the day coming up.  For someone who is supposedly trying to make things better, it’s seems like quite an oversight to me.  He asked me how things had been over the weekend when I was sick.  Things had been good and he had been helpful.  Basically he wanted me to weigh it all together instead of just being upset about our anniversary.  I think the fact that he had been so agreeable and helpful over the weekend had set me up for a bigger disappointment when no mention was made of our anniversary a day later.

I let him know that because we were saving so much money on anniversary celebrations I had purchased some new linens for our bed and bath.  Again, no complaining.  More contrition.

It all comes down to lack of trust.  Me not trusting him after he decided he wanted a divorce last year and him not trusting me to stay because it has been so rocky for most of our years together.  He felt under appreciated for helping all weekend when I was sick.  I feel under appreciated for doing what he was helping with every other day of the year.  He is resentful because he pays for everything.  I’m resentful because I gave up my career and independence to raise a family.  I want to be here when my children are home from school and he wanted someone to fill that role, now it’s an issue for us both.

I look at the passage from my journal of Marcy 13, 1998 and can remember how I felt and still feel when he reads the newspaper at dinner.  So much has changed and yet so much is the same.

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