Faking It

Then – March 31, 1998

Well it’s the three month anniversary of being together.  Quite possibly the most exciting three months of my life.  We went to Vegas last weekend and had a great time.  We actually got some pictures together – yeah!  My soon to be ex employees also went and we spent time with them too.  I had the most fun losing money with him at the Hard Rock Hotel and playing simulation games at the arcade at NYNY.  We really do have a great time together.

My soon to be ex husband got a concussion over the weekend and is back in the hospital tonight for tests.   I hope he’s okay.  I love him so much and hate to see him troubled.   It’s going to be very strange not to have him in my life.  I do care about him.  I just had to leave.  I would do anything for him, but stay in our marriage.

Now – If I had worked as hard on my first marriage as I have on my second, we would probably still be married.  Thirty didn’t seem young, but looking back, I see how young and naïve I was leaving my first husband.  Of course it’s different this time because we have two children.  I am certain I would have thought longer and harder about divorcing the first time, if we had had children together.

Lately I have been going through the motions of being a couple.  Last year my therapist used the term “fake it til you make it”.  Kind of funny, but I do think by going through the motions of being kind and making gestures that might go a tad beyond what I am actually feeling for him can only bring on more kindness.  In a way it feels like living with a stranger, but at times I think we can be nicer to strangers than we are to those with whom we are close.  So much negativity over the last few years.  This is one strategy I am trying to use to help me overcome the past and move forward.

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