Only Now – I am thinking about how in our simple civil ceremony we still said the vows “for better or for worse”. There has been plenty of better and plenty of worse. When people only lived until they were in their mid forties, marriage was not such a big commitment. I am making it a point to write today as things have been going well. I feel very inspired to write when I am angry or upset, so I am focusing on the good today.
The weekend was beautiful. We kept busy with a local spring festival, shopping and watching basketball playoffs. The kids had fun with friends as well as with us, which as they get older is getting more challenging. As he was being outgoing and more affectionate, I made an effort each day to let the wall down and do things that I might otherwise have been hesitant to do, for fear of being rejected. Part of me still questions his intentions, but if I continue to doubt his sincerity and hold back, our relationship will continue to go nowhere.
I have a hard time not thinking that it’s only a matter of time before it all falls apart again into angry cohabitation, but wish to try to remember the recent good and not let myself fall into a tailspin when I see the downward side of the cycle of our relationship present itself. I can’t control his motives, but I can work on my ability to be a loving and giving spouse. Maybe one day I’ll realize that it was all in vain, but I won’t look back with the regret of not trying to make it work.