Questioning and Making Excuses

Then – April 25, 1998

I started writing in this journal because I thought I had finally found the beginning of the rest of my life.  My ex husband is right – I need to find my happiness myself.  He is correct for a lot of reasons.   When you depend on others for your happiness, they can disappoint you and hurt you.  Sometimes I have thought it’s better and easier to not get attached.  Then you don’t get hurt.  BUT I want to be attached!!

I let myself love again and what I’ve done is created this huge vulnerability for myself.  The question is – is it worth it?  I can only hope that it is and that he is truly the person I fell in love with.  The problem is now I can’t walk away.  Emotionally I am too far involved to leave.  I’ve invested too much time and effort into this.  I’ve build my entire life around him.  I don’t have anywhere to escape.  I gave up everything.  What have I done?  I can only hope that what I feel is only temporary and that I will feel again the way he has made me feel.  I don’t doubt it will happen, but I am concerned about the ups and downs.  He seems so distant from me.  It’s almost like he doesn’t want me here – but it’s too late.  I have nowhere to go.  I’m stuck and so is he.  Will this work?  I love him so much I just don’t know if I’m dealing with things well right now.  I need to find happiness on my own, but I’m so involved that I don’t know if that’s possible anymore.  I think I need to go for a walk.  I’ll write more later.  Hopefully I’ll feel better.  I’ll always have myself.

I’m just so scared I’m going to shut him out in self defense.  I know me.  I know I run to protect myself.  Since I have no where physically to go I’m afraid the walls will go up.  Love is so cliche.  I get sucked in and then it sucks the life out of me.

Now – I can’t remember what event prompted me to write this at the beginning of our relationship so many years ago.  I am familiar with how I felt however, as it has been repeated over and over throughout our relationship.  I’m not sure why I felt so trapped.  Maybe I was giving myself an excuse to stay in a relationship that was deteriorating?  Surely, I was employable and had options.  Maybe I was too proud to admit that the relationship had failed so quickly after all the romance and the big decision to move to NYC?  Whatever the reasons, I am 14 years and two children into my marriage.

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