Then – April 25, 1998
I started writing in this journal because I thought I had finally found the beginning of the rest of my life. My ex husband is right – I need to find my happiness myself. He is correct for a lot of reasons. When you depend on others for your happiness, they can disappoint you and hurt you. Sometimes I have thought it’s better and easier to not get attached. Then you don’t get hurt. BUT I want to be attached!!
I let myself love again and what I’ve done is created this huge vulnerability for myself. The question is – is it worth it? I can only hope that it is and that he is truly the person I fell in love with. The problem is now I can’t walk away. Emotionally I am too far involved to leave. I’ve invested too much time and effort into this. I’ve build my entire life around him. I don’t have anywhere to escape. I gave up everything. What have I done? I can only hope that what I feel is only temporary and that I will feel again the way he has made me feel. I don’t doubt it will happen, but I am concerned about the ups and downs. He seems so distant from me. It’s almost like he doesn’t want me here – but it’s too late. I have nowhere to go. I’m stuck and so is he. Will this work? I love him so much I just don’t know if I’m dealing with things well right now. I need to find happiness on my own, but I’m so involved that I don’t know if that’s possible anymore. I think I need to go for a walk. I’ll write more later. Hopefully I’ll feel better. I’ll always have myself.
I’m just so scared I’m going to shut him out in self defense. I know me. I know I run to protect myself. Since I have no where physically to go I’m afraid the walls will go up. Love is so cliche. I get sucked in and then it sucks the life out of me.
Now – I can’t remember what event prompted me to write this at the beginning of our relationship so many years ago. I am familiar with how I felt however, as it has been repeated over and over throughout our relationship. I’m not sure why I felt so trapped. Maybe I was giving myself an excuse to stay in a relationship that was deteriorating? Surely, I was employable and had options. Maybe I was too proud to admit that the relationship had failed so quickly after all the romance and the big decision to move to NYC? Whatever the reasons, I am 14 years and two children into my marriage.