Then – January 2012
My heart aches after putting my son to bed tonight. This is such a special time for me at the end of the day with him. He really likes to talk about his feelings and things that happen. He is very reflective and this quiet time at night is when he starts talking. Tonight he was talking about how his uncle got divorced and how daddy helped him. He wanted to know how you got divorced. I explained that daddy didn’t help him get divorced he just had to go to court to explain some things that happened while his uncle was getting divorced. He asked about where the uncle’s kids were. I explained that his daughter was in college and that their son lived mostly with his dad. My son said he wouldn’t be able to decide between his dad and me. I told him that was because he loved us both – just like I love both him and his sister. I could not decide either. I let him know that we love him more than anything, no matter what.
Sometimes I can feel brave like I can handle anything and other times I start to feel like I am going to have a panic attack. I try to remember that right now, everything is okay. But really, it’s not. My family life is being threatened by a husband who refuses to try to work on our marriage. Today I emailed him and asked him if he would go to counseling with me. I’ve found a counselor I’d like to try, but would like for us both to go. If he won’t go, I will go by myself. How can you not work on a marriage that has lasted for 13 years and created two beautiful children? In the past he has sworn that he will never do counseling again. Why not? Is it because he knows deep down that how he is being is unreasonable? Have I been that horrible of a wife that I do not deserve to be able to try to make it better?
Now- We never did go to counseling together. I went on my own, which I did find helpful in working my way through the darkest part of our marriage. It’s been almost a year and a half however and I still feel that what we went through is largely unresolved. We are doing much better. No fighting, no threats of divorce, good times together as a family, but I still don’t feel that I understand how it all fell apart OR how it’s coming back around. Time has certainly helped me though the process, but I still feel like our relationship as a couple could be so much better. Hopefully more time will help see us through to a more connected relationship. At least for now my son doesn’t have to worry about being torn between his father and mother.