How Three Little Days Can Change Things

All About Then May 16, 1998

It’s been a long while since I’ve written.  My sister and her boyfriend have been here for a week.  We had a lot of fun.  They go home tomorrow.  I love her a ton.  I hope they can find lasting happiness together.

I just realized not two minutes ago that it was a year ago today that my first marriage was really over.  I can’t tell you how different my life is now or how thankful I am that it has changed.  I am so much happier and such a different person.  I love my current boyfriend so much, I can’t even begin to explain how he makes me feel.  He is sick tonight and not that happy.  I just want him to feel better.

May 19, 1998 1:20 am

I am too tired to sleep and really upset.  I get up several hours earlier than he does every day, work 13 hour days, and come home to get questioned because I haven’t reschedule the cleaning lady.    Needless to say I got mad and then got an attitude from him in return.  I tried to go to sleep at 11pm.  He decides he wants to talk at 11:45.  I talk.  Now I’m woken up to the point I can’t go back to sleep afterwards.  It’s 1:20am, I’m still awake and he’ll wonder why I’m tired at 7am.  What is up with this?  I can get no rest living alone for better reasons.

I miss Los Angeles and my friends and feeling independent.  I feel trapped and caged in here.  I’m tired of him talking down to me about how I am taking my job too seriously.  What the hell does he know?  While I sit here I am looking at the books I sent him months ago.  These are books that are really important to me that he doesn’t take a bit of interest in.  I can’t tell him I want him to read them.  I want him to want to read them because I gave them to him.  I’m extremely exhausted.  Why can’t I sleep?  I am so angry at him for being able to fall asleep that I could scream.  All I’m doing is making myself sick.  I don’t get enough rest.  I do whatever he wants me to.  I need to keep myself intact, but I feel like I’m slipping away.  How can I help myself if I can’t even sleep?  I dread tomorrow, but as always, I’ll find a way to get through it.

May 19, 1998 7:30am

The scribbling of a mad woman.  I’m just happy to be up and standing another day.  I still feel like wringing his neck, but that too will pass.  Let’s just get through the day and go for a run tonight and get some sleep.

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