Then – May 31, 1998

End of May, beginning of June.  The year is almost half over.  I am still a jumble of so many emotions.  I need more time to myself.  We got roller blades today.  Hopefully I will improve.  Practicing is pretty fun.  People are really helpful and nice.  I’m just a big chicken.

We had a good weekend together.  I love him so much, but he can really be a jerk sometimes.  I need to be sure about us.  I am so committed to making this work, but I don’t want to be blind.  Time will lead me in the right direction.  I wish I didn’t feel these reservations.  There are just some things he doesn’t get.  Does it matter?  He just doesn’t even listen to begin to understand.  How different this is from the beginning of our relationship.  He just makes me feel stupid and I clam up.  Yet it doesn’t seem worth it to go head to head on whatever subject it is at the time.   He can just be so matter of fact about things that are so important to me.  I’m feeling a little negative.

Now – I had reservations so long ago, yet I am fifteen years and two children into our relationship.  Things are so much better now than they were even a year ago, but I still see the signs that our relationship will most likely not be all that I would wish for us.  Time will tell, but as I write this I can’t help but wonder where I’ll be 15 years from now.  Will I still be considering the same issues and challenges in our marriage?  Surely by then we will have gone through many defining moments in our relationship with each other and with our children.  I’ll be sixty years old by then.  Shame on me if I haven’t figured all this out by then!



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