Ruts

“Warm words, though, are no panacea.  Our ruts were now so deeply cut into the landscape, and we were so tired and worn, that neither Scott nor I could steer ourselves anyplace new.“ 

 Z A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald, by Therese Anne Fowler

Then – June 15, 1998

Am I a complete romantic, a lunatic, delusional maybe?  What is up?  The problem is I fell for the demo.  Why am I so gullible and how did I fall so in love?  Now that I’ve felt the high of being in love again, I want to keep feeling that way, but I’m the one who has to keep the momentum going.  Why do I l feel like I’m the one who makes all the effort and still gets picked on and criticized?  I don’t deserve it.  Today for the first time his attitude didn’t bother me all day.  I knew better than to call while he was at work.  When he called I was fine.  I’m proud that I didn’t let it get to me and ruin my day.  Granted I had bigger fish to fry at work.  Yet tonight he was still able to reduce me to tears.  I hate how he can make me feel – very weak and all too female.  I don’t like it.  Yet once I got the tears out, I just got angry.  I kept my mouth shut as I had nothing good to say.  I’m writing now – doing my own thing.  I just need time to myself.

I go out of my way on a regular basis to accommodate him.  Last night he accommodated me by not going back to work at midnight.  Then he got upset because I wasn’t “friendly” after we got home from the concert.  Maybe there’s something to that in all men.  Screw them – or rather not.

Now – I have to laugh when I read that entry from years ago.  Sometimes it seems like it would be so easy to live with my husband as the co parent to our children and not have sex with him ever again.  But then who would I have sex with?   Why can’t I keep it simple and just have sex with him and let him be the father to his children?  Why do I want more?  I still want the demo – or at least a glimmer occasionally of how we once were when things were good.

It’s all so stiff and uncomfortable.  I asked him recently how things were going to get better between us if we just kept going through the same motions.  We each agreed we’d like to be more comfortable around the other, but don’t seem to have a plan on how to get there.  Being that he won’t go to counseling and I’m the only one reading the self help marriage books, I’m not sure how to bust out of this rut.

 

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