The Fact that I Love Him is the Problem

Then – June 25, 1998

How fast time flies.  It’s been a busy week and very emotional.  He can be so mean.  I’m not sure about our future together.  This is starting to not be fun anymore.  My sister has no idea what I’m feeling and thinking and yet offers to let me move in with her back in San Francisco.  Can she hear it in my voice?  Am I that transparent?

One of his sisters and her son arrive tomorrow.  It should be fun.  On Thursday next week, we leave for Cape May.  I hope we have a good time. At least we have some distractions.

My divorce is final next week.  I am very excited.  I should be receiving some paperwork soon.  I hope my ex husband is happy.  He brought his girlfriend to our friend’s wedding.  Other friends said she was nice and that he seemed happy.

Now – Clearly I recognized that things were not going well between my boyfriend and I, yet I was content to hope that visitors and a trip would provide a needed distraction from the emotional upheaval.  After six months had I figured out that there was a pattern and that given time, things would come back around for us?

Lately I’m the one who demonstrates frustrations easily.  I suppose I’m not content to just let things go as much any longer.  I’m more inclined to speak up.  He’s trying to keep things calm and talk me down as things come up, but they keep coming up.  At least he’s trying.

I ended up at the doctor’s office after feeling dizzy for a couple of days.  Turns out it was high blood pressure, which is very unusual for me.  I talked to my doctor a little about my relationship and she said I cannot stay in a relationship if it is making me sick.  We agreed that the fact that I still loved him was part of the problem.  I had both a good laugh and cry with her.  I walked out with tranquilizers to try for a week.  So far so good.  My blood pressure is back to being its low self.

Oddly the day brought the two of us together.  He had to drive me to the docs and then spend the rest of the day carting me around to get my prescription and to pick up our kids from camp.  We even had lunch.

We are now on vacation together with the the children.  So far so good.  Not sure what the tranquilizers are doing.  I’m supposed to take them for a week at bedtime and then see how I feel.  Maybe after I stop taking them I’ll notice a difference?  In any case, blood pressure is back down and life isn’t so bad.

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