Free to Twirl

Then- June 28, 1998

The month is almost over.  Six months involved with my boyfriend.  It was a good weekend.  His sister and her son could not get through on their flights due to thunder storms and bad weather.  Friday night we went to Benny’s for dinner and then I fell asleep in a movie.  Saturday we hit golf balls and went rollerblading.  We were going to go to a movie but stopped off at an outside event at Lincoln Center.  We went to Tower Records and a café for dessert.  I really felt like it was one of the better days we’ve had.  Today we shopped for clothes for him, looked at kittens, checked out schools for me and worked out. We got a file cabinet and some pictures.  It’s starting to feel more like home.  It’s a good thing.

We are talking about getting a new kitten.  I hope my old cat doesn’t eat it.

I still want to write my book.  I know I need to write it just for me.  Am I ever going to find myself?  The closest I was, was when I was by myself in LA.  Somehow I miss that feeling of being free.  Could I leave him?  I can’t even imagine saying goodbye.  Somehow I know I am supposed to be with him.  There’s just a part of me that needs to be free.

Now – Free.  Is it possible to be free and be in a relationship?  Can I feel free and yet supported and loved in my current marriage?  It doesn’t seem that likely, but I haven’t given up.  Is freedom something that women give up when they get married and have children?  Do single women have the freedom I think I crave?

We have been in DC and are now in NYC with friends.  It’s amazing to be back and see people and places we’ve missed.  I still feel like I can twirl in the middle of Lincoln Center with the Chagalls high above.  I wander around NYC and see heaven and hell here at the same time.  Maybe life is not so different?  Maybe we just need to find more places to twirl and create our own bit of heaven.

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