Searching for Equanimity

Then – July 9, 1998

Well as usual, I did something to turn his mood.  Can we not spend time together without arguing?  We completely miss each other sometimes as far as our intent and purpose behind our comments.  It really left a bad taste in my mouth about the weekend.  Maybe we just tire of each other.  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I still let him determine everything.  I was so tired after our vacation, I could barely stand the thought of going back to work.  I was not rested at all.  It’s not that it was not fun – it’s just that he needs to be busy every single second.  It drives me insane.  I would have much rather spent some time relaxing and reading on the beach.  I felt like we spent the weekend in the car.

I need to –

1)express what I want to do, but still give and take

2)listen to myself and do what I need to do for me

3)read, write in my journal, write my book, lay in the sun, be me!

One day yet I will find equanimity.  For now I’m going to find a pillow.  Night!

Now – I still need to do all those things.  Have I learned nothing in 15 years?  It looks like I took pretty good stock of what I needed and don’t sound terribly flustered by his change of mood.  I  remember being exhausted and tired of being in the car.  Based on what I wrote, I seem to be blaming myself for his mood, however.  Maybe I hadn’t figured out that it wasn’t just about me yet.

Now he’s more the homebody and I’m the one who likes to get out and do things.  When we talk about doing something together we don’t want to do the same things.  I love trying new restaurants.  He likes going to (in my opinion) bad movies.  Maybe once our daughter is back from camp and things settle down, we’ll try to do something just the two of us.  But what?  Maybe a good dinner and a bad movie.


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