Down and Up Again

Then – July 16, 1998

Maybe relationships aren’t supposed to last.  Am I a romantic?  Yes, but does that mean I have to spend the rest of my live wishing for more in a relationship?  Being alone is more appealing as time goes by.   Why are relationships so good in the beginning and then fizzle?  Why do men get so comfortable?  Why can’t that effort be there?  Have I stopped putting in the effort to make our relationship work? I don’t know.  I feel on the one hand, scared to put forth the effort, because he is never pleased.  I feel even less incentive now as he just seems indifferent.  Life here in New York is just as boring as married life was.  Who needs to pay this kind of money to live here, for what?

I long for how happy I was in Los Angeles.  Was I happy because I knew he loved me?  Was I happier with the pipe dream than I am with the real thing? It could be.  I have no idea.  All I want is for him to look at me the way he once did.  I always try to remember special things.  There is one moment that I’ll never forget.  I don’t think I wrote about it when it happened.  It was about six months ago at Le Zoo restaurant during my first trip here.  He was so sweet, so romantic.  He looked at me and said, “You are so perfect.  There is no question, you have to be my wife.”  I’ll never forget that moment or how in love I was.  Where does it go?  I need those feelings.  I want those feelings.  I feel like my first marriage ended because I needed those feelings.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking.  Was alone better?  Do I want to be trapped in a marriage again?  I’m beginning to think more and more, not.  I love him. I want to make him happy.  Why do I always need more?  I just don’t get what I need out of relationships.   Yet at the same time, he is so good to me how can I complain?  My ex husband was good to me too.  He was the best husband ever and I let him go.  Is this going to last?  How long will I try?  Does he even see what is happening?

His comment tonight about women needing more repeating as far as hearing “I love you, etc.” really upset me.  It’s a small thing.  It’s not even that.  It’s a lack of everything.  Sex has almost become habit again.  I feel like I’m losing interest which doesn’t make it any better for him either.  What’s going on here?  I want him to be happy, but what about me?  He pisses me off and falls asleep and I run to my journal.  Thank goodness I have some form of outlet.  I wish I could sleep.

Maybe I just need to be free.  Yet – I know I want this to work and I love him more than anything.  I need to be happy too though.

More then – July 18, 1998

So I feel better.  How do I get myself in such a tizzy?  How do I really feel?  I don’t know.

He was wonderful to me last night.  He really made me feel good (in multiple ways).  He was fun, loving and supportive.  Things were much better.  I know I need to put forth effort too.  I’m going to think of some ideas.  I already have a couple.

Today we went to the park and took skating lessons.  It was really fun, except my back is really sunburned.  I also got a helmet and elbow pads.  Maybe I’ll be more confident.

We are going to have dinner with friends tonight.

I am very excited. I booked my sister’s trip to New York today.  I can’t wait to see her.

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