Then – July 22, 1998
I want to talk about a problem with him he says I’m “beating something to death”. I am inadequate and incompetent. He didn’t say that, but that’s how I feel after talking to him.
Why? Why? Why do I almost at least weekly think that he is such a jerk that I can’t stand the thought of being around him another second and at other moments I love him so dearly? Is this normal? Do I need to find a shrink in New York? Maybe I just need my own apartment? Give it time? Why? So I can get used to this? I have to respect myself more than that…
Dinner with our friends was good, late but good. Of course he and I had a fight that afternoon because I said “whatever” when he asked me what I wanted to do. I really didn’t know. Evidently that wasn’t acceptable. I spilled my guts about a lot of my feelings. I felt better. I just don’t know if this relationship is right. Will I ever know? Will I give up too soon? He asked me a while back not to let him blow this relationship. Now I know what he meant. No wonder he’s still single. Am I the one strong enough to deal with his moods? I know I’m not perfect. Maybe together we just don’t make a good couple. Oh well, can’t decide today. Tomorrow is another day. Scarlett
Now – Things have been great. I haven’t seen him since Thursday morning. Just kidding, but still true. Actually things have been going pretty smoothly ever since my blood pressure appointment. I really do think it was a wake up call for us both. We’ve had our blips and disagreements since then, but have recovered quickly, which is not the norm. Just like with my father though, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go south again. It will happen. I know it. The question is, how will I choose to respond and how quickly will it blow over.
My blood pressure has been fine. I returned to the doctor and was told to check it weekly. I go back in a few months. She thinks it was just too much stress. I wonder why it didn’t happen a year and a half ago when things were so stressful and I thought we were headed for an imminent divorce. I’m trying to do better taking care of me. Making an effort to do more things that I enjoy. Trying to remember that he is not all bad, acknowledging the good that he does. Reading and writing about my life, to help it all make sense.