Helping it All Make Sense

Then – July 22, 1998

I want to talk about a problem with him he says I’m “beating something to death”.  I am inadequate and incompetent.  He didn’t say that, but that’s how I feel after talking to him.

Why?  Why?  Why do I almost at least weekly think that he is such a jerk that I can’t stand the thought of being around him another second and at other moments I love him so dearly?  Is this normal?  Do I need to find a shrink in New York? Maybe I just need my own apartment?  Give it time?  Why? So I can get used to this?  I have to respect myself more than that…

Dinner with our friends was good, late but good.  Of course he and I had a fight that afternoon because I said “whatever” when he asked me what I wanted to do.  I really didn’t know.  Evidently that wasn’t acceptable.  I spilled my guts about a lot of my feelings.  I felt better.  I just don’t know if this relationship is right.  Will I ever know?  Will I give up too soon?  He asked me a while back not to let him blow this relationship.  Now I know what he meant.  No wonder he’s still single.  Am I the one strong enough to deal with his moods?  I know I’m not perfect.  Maybe together we just don’t make a good couple.  Oh well, can’t decide today.  Tomorrow is another day.  Scarlett

Now – Things have been great.  I haven’t seen him since Thursday morning.  Just kidding, but still true.    Actually things have been going pretty smoothly ever since my blood pressure appointment.  I really do think it was a wake up call for us both.  We’ve had our blips and disagreements since then, but have recovered quickly, which is not the norm.  Just  like with my father though, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go south again.  It will happen.  I know it.  The question is, how will I choose to respond and how quickly will it blow over.

My blood pressure has been fine.  I returned to the doctor and was told to check it weekly.   I go back in a few months.  She thinks it was just too much stress.  I wonder why it didn’t happen a year and a half ago when things were so stressful and I thought we were headed for an imminent divorce.  I’m trying to do better taking care of me.  Making an effort to do more things that I enjoy.  Trying to remember that he is not all bad, acknowledging the good that he does.  Reading and writing about my life, to help it all make sense.

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