Not Uncomfortable Enough to Leave

Then – August 15, 1998

It seems like there is a lot going on.  Work is really busy now for both of us.  I put in 14 ½ hours Thursday.  I haven’t done that in a long time. We had a project plan due for one of our clients, but our consultant didn’t come through.  The whole office pooled together to finish what he had started in order to get something to the client.

Yesterday I golfed in a tournament for work.  I did well for me, but evidently terrible in comparison as I got the “most honest golfer” award.  Tomorrow we have another lesson and will golf afterwards.  Hopefully I won’t need to go into work.  He is at work today.  I shopped a little at Macy’s  with my gift certificate.  Four hours of shopping almost – wow! Not much that I really couldn’t live without.  I looked for a watch and a suede shirt for him, but had zero luck.  That’s how it is when you have the funds.  Things don’t look as inviting.

He and I are doing okay.  I really don’t care for what I have become being with him. I know though that I am the one who decides how I am, not him.  I keep looking for myself and my inner strength.  I love him so dearly.  I don’t want to ruin this.  I’m just going to focus on being happy.

Now – I think I should have ruined it before we were married for almost 15 years and had two children together!  Hindsight.  It’s the little things that really push me over the edge, because the big things are not where they need to be.  Surely happily married people get into disagreements and don’t see eye to eye on things, but the difference is that they RESPECT and LOVE each other and are committed to being in a lasting relationship.  I think I can finally say I am just biding my time until I feel comfortable enough to leave him or uncomfortable enough that I cannot stay.  For me it always comes back to wanting the kids to have a family and trying to figure out a way to make it work and keep myself sane.

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