Then – August 22, 1998
Another week gone by, I’m sitting in the park again, getting some sun. He and I had a few poor days – Sat. Sun. Mon. Tues. I guess it was Wednesday night when we finally talked. I really believe we both want this to work. We discussed why we have the bad times. It’s been a good few days. I got cookies and Godiva delivered to work. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but it is really nice.
I just want him to love me, but I have to be myself. The last few days have been good. Let’s see if we can keep it going tonight and all day tomorrow. I hope he likes the helicopter ride I got for him. I hope I do too!
Now – The promise of a few good days is what always brought me back – every time… for fifteen years. Things are more stable now – less ups and downs, mostly because we don’t have the ups. I’m finding that I miss the ups and the times when I did feel connected to him. While intermittent, I did feel loved and valued. I feel a lot of love and know I am valued by my children, but somehow that’s different. Would I feel the same if there were no man in my life or is it even more frustrating because he’s right here and it’s a very unsatisfying relationship? He is supposed to love and respect me, but I don’t get the impression that he does. I’m starting to accept the fact that while I love him, he’s really not the person I want to love.
I asked him this weekend after a blow up at the ballpark, “Who talks to people that way?”, referring to how he spoke to me there. I was trying to help him hold things after some food had been dropped by one of our children. He raised his voice and told me to stop bossing him. It was a rant after that. I asked him why he was so worked up. I told him to take a deep breath and think about how he had just acted. After he came back from getting a replacement slice of pizza, he tried to be cute and funny. That wasn’t what I needed. I needed him to say that he acted like a jerk and was sorry. Am I supposed to just suck it up and pretend that he was not rude to me in front of our children and several people seated around us? He just keeps pushing me farther and farther away. When he asked for a hug after our discussion about this, I really didn’t want to. I told him I didn’t want anything from him, other than he just be a good co parent. Not sure where to go from here.