Busy But Empty

Then – August 30, 1998

Well he liked the helicopter ride, but I got a little hormonal after at dinner.  I just felt sad.  I did not deal with it well.  It’s been a very good week.  Sunday we went to his businesses partner’s house for a BBQ.  A lot of their visiting clients were there to get out of the city for a while.  They are here working from a bank in London.  Good food, beautiful place, lots of land, trees, flowers, and quiet.  We rode his motorcycle.  I was a little scared, but you just can’t think about falling and crashing.  Speaking of crashing, on the way to golf yesterday, we crashed the Jag.  Hopefully they can fix it easily.  I love our car.  It’s got to feel better.

Monday night I saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s in the park.  I went with friends from work.  He didn’t go.    It was very pleasant.  It could have been romantic, but he was not there.

Tuesday we had happy hour for work.  It was okay.  I went to the gym – people stayed late…

Wednesday we were planning on golfing, but there was threatening weather.  I went to the gym instead.

Thursday I went to Shakespeare in the park with a coworker from our office and a manager from the corporate office.  It was amazing, but long and a late night.

The weekend has been great.  I love him so much.  It’s been over a week since we fought, but we also haven’t spent much time together.  I just want us to be happy.  Friday we went to a movie.  Saturday he worked a little.  I shopped at Macy’s, we went to a movie, dinner – good risotto! Today we did stuff around the house until about 2pm and then went to the Museum of Natural History.  Tonight we are having dinner with friends at an upscale restaurant.  I hope it’s yummy!

Now – I remember that week.  I felt busy, but empty.  Who would not want to go see Breakfast at Tiffany’s in Bryant Park?  It should have been a clue.

I keep my life busy with friends and my children and their friends, but it still feels empty.  I see my friends’ husbands love their wives, posting on Facebook how their wives are as beautiful today as they day they married.  Granted I don’t need this type of overt display, but just knowing I was loved would feel amazing.  Maybe I want too much.  Maybe I do have it better than most, but that cannot be a standard for my life.  I want to set an example for my children of a happy marriage.  Sure there are going to be disagreements, but underneath it all should be love and respect.  I do not want my children to grow up thinking that it is okay for them to be in a relationship where you are not being treated well.  I’m afraid that is what I have been teaching my children.  I think it needs to stop.

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