Writing on the Wall

Then – September 21, 1998

I’m not sure what to write.  I’m not sure how I feel.  I am very close to the edge – of what I don’t know.  I’m exhausted.  For the first time I am wondering if I need to leave Marcus.  I doubt my relationship with Marcus is healthy for me.  I’m not sure he’s the person I fell in love with.  I know no one is perfect, but I need someone right for me.  I know I love him – maybe too much, or at least the man I thought he was.  He makes me so crazy – crying, tantrums.  I never thought I could be this way.

He doesn’t understand how he pushes me away.  Will he treat our children the way he treats me?  Will they grow up mal adjusted trying to please their “perfect” father?  How will I feel when he treats me poorly in front of the children?

I have a lot of questions.

Now – Why did I not make the decision to leave when I had all these feelings?  I saw the writing on the wall, but stayed.  Here I am 15 years later.  At least there is not the drama of years ago.  Having children and trying to protect them has cut down on my crying and tantrums!  I’ve been too busy teaching them to manage their feelings.

Marcus has agreed to go to counseling as a couple.  I will let him pick whom he would like to see.  He has been more pleasant and attentive.  Apparently I have gotten his attention, but  who knows how long it will last.  Based on the past and our cyclical relationship, I don’t have a lot of hope.  I’ll try because I have two children and love my family.  I love him too, but sadly it’s different now.  Maybe we can find a balance and learn to be a better couple.  Maybe through counseling we will learn to be better co parents to our children while living apart.  Time will tell.  Either way, I’m thinking counseling is a step in the right direction.

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