Then – September 27, 1998
I still have a lot of questions, but once again the pendulum of our relationship has swung for the better. I crawled into a hole this week and died. It was easier to be empty and feel alone than to deal with him. There were a couple glimmers of hope and then Thursday he was mean to me on the phone again while we were both at work. Then he wonders why I won’t call him. The sad thing is that even when I want to call, I’m scared of how I will find him. I wanted out, but he always brings me back.
Yesterday we talked of children again and all I could think was that two days ago, I was so ready to leave. He has so much control over my feelings, my life. I am at his mercy, because I love him so much. I want this to work but not to my detriment. My biggest question is children. I feel so much pressure to please him, how will they grow up? What if they are not smart like their father? How will he treat them? What about religion? Last week he said he’d have a problem baptizing them, but while he was courting me from afar he said he’d go to church with us. Was it all just to get me here? Did he lie to me then? I guess time will tell.
Now – Time has told a lot, but I seem to be at the same place. I visited a counselor who is just for me. He referred me to another gentleman that Marcus and I can see together. Things were looking up and now down again, so basically the pattern still continues. In the back of my mind I feel pretty secure though, knowing that I have an attorney and the ball is in Marcus’ court. The counselor I visited only reassured me that what I want out of a relationship is not unreasonable. He also gave me a framework for how to clearly communicate Marcus’ options to him.
My son said something last night about how he doesn’t like it when his dad gives him a mean look. Then today I reread my journal entry from fifteen years ago about concerns for my future children. While they are growing up, they will have their father in their lives. I know I provide a balance for them.