How It All Falls Apart

Only about then – October 31, 1998

Happy Halloween!  Why do I have to be so emotional and care so much about what Marcus thinks and feels?  I stress myself out so badly and ruin everything.  I’m amazed he still wants to be with me.  Maybe it’s because I love him so much.  I hate it when he gets upset and treats me differently than he normally does.  I will learn to argue better.  So much for being lovers in Paris.

The Tower of London was incredible.  Not a lot of time to see everything, but enough.  We walked over Tower Bridge to a café and had some cheese and tea.  We were going to do the Jack the Ripper walk, but we were both tired and cranky and ended up getting into a fight at the hotel.  This is not a great way to start our weekend in Paris.  Friday morning we went to the train station and rode from London to Paris.  I saw Sacre Coeur on the hill.  Paris was beautiful.  It was also cold and rainy, however.  On Friday we saw Notre Dame, walked by the Louvre to the Musee D’Orsay, had sorbet and tea at the museum, saw the Eiffel Tower, took a brief nap at the hotel and then went to dinner in the Latin Quarter.  We went to a Greek restaurant where they smashed plates and the ladies danced on the table.  Thank goodness I was not selected to be one of the dancers  – at least not without a few drinks in me.  We went back to the hotel, resolved our previous issues and fell asleep.  Today was much better.

Yesterday for the first time in a while, I started to feel like I had made a mistake again.  He can be so cold and distant; I just want to be away.  I know we love each other.  I just hope that’s enough.  Part of me just wants to be on my own where he can’t hurt me.  We always make up, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  Part of me just doesn’t feel right about this relationship.  What can I do? I was so sure about us on Sunday night and then four days later I’m shattered.   What’s wrong with me?  Is it me? Do I just need to get used to it and get over it?  Help.

Today was better.  I think I just need not to put so much of my life into Marcus.  I need to think for a bit about what will make me happy.  I’m excited to get back to Connecticut where we went to Marcus’ business partner’s home.   I love it up there, being away from everything.

Today we went to the Gallerie de Lafayette, shopped and ate breakfast.  Then we went to the Arch de Triumph.  It’s very impressive and there were amazing views down all the streets that intersect at the monument.  We walked up the Champs Elysees and we got an adorable sweater for one of Marcus’ nieces.   We walked back to The Latin Quarter and had lunch and afterwards a crepe for desert.  We went to an ice cream shop on the island.  I think Marcus is trying to make me fat!  We walked down the street of shopping (Rue de Rivoli).  I got some boots – really pretty – black.  We walked more, but it was so rainy we decided to head to the train station a little early.  We are on the train now.  It will be good to fly home tomorrow.  I want to get our photos developed.

I want to make a promise here in writing.  I love Marcus.  I will not be hysterical again.  I will let him be grumpy without wanting to run away.  I will not threaten to leave.  I will not.  It is not fair to him.  I feel horrible.  I will make it up to him and never do it again.  I promise, on this train, I promise.

November 1, 1998

Our last night in London was ok.  I made reservations at the SOHO Brewing Company.  It was pretty good.  We had a good flight back to New York yesterday.  We cleaned up, unpacked and did a few errands.  The cats are very happy to see us.  We also went to a movie.  Again, I was exhausted.  We woke up early this morning and relaxed and lingered in bed.  I followed Marcus to get a bagel and he was off to work.  I realize today I need to find another job for both of our sake.  I just can’t be up late with him and then off early to work.  I’m exhausted.  I have nothing left for our relationship or myself.

It is good to be home.  I really want to find a way to thank Marcus for the trip.  I’m just not sure how…


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