Change in Direction

Then – November 15, 1998

Did I fall off the face of the earth or what?  It’s been a very busy few weeks.  Marcus and I no sooner got back from London and things started to happen.  One night Marcus and I were in the grocery and Marcus said his friends in Connecticut were talking about opening an antique store.  I said I would love to help out which led to the thought that we could all be partners.  I have been spending a lot of time researching antiques for which my new computer from Marcus has helped.  I have been creating different lists in preparation and have basically been keeping myself busy, but I’ve enjoyed it.

Last weekend we went to the cottage in Connecticut for a night.  We looked for cars, no luck.  We checked out a few antique stores.  This weekend was fairly uneventful.  We went to a movie on Friday night.  I didn’t go to work Friday as I felt bad (PMS) and wanted to do a lot of stuff at home.  I don’t care if I ever go back to work.  I’m feeling rather depressed, probably just the PMS.  We slept a lot.  I did some Christmas shopping.  I also visited a priest about getting an annulment for my first marriage.  I’m not sure how I feel about an annulment or the church.  I feel a lot of pain right now about a failed relationship and a lot of fear about starting a new one.  I have so many doubts and fears about my future.  I think I’m heading in the right direction and yet my independence and career aspirations pull me in another direction.  Will I be happy being a wife and mother in a small town in Connecticut running an antique shop?  If I go that route I could be on that road for a long time.  Would it be enough?  Would it be enough for Marcus?  Sometimes I’m not sure we are right for each other.  We can get so frustrated with each other.  I will take care of myself.  Marcus takes good care of me too.  Why am I so insecure?

Now – Things here have been uneventful between Marcus and me.  We have been completely distracted by a close friend finding out that she has stage 3b lung cancer.  It has helped me put life in perspective, realizing how fleeting it is and how important our family life is to me.  Marcus has been helpful and supportive.  He has been spending lots of time with the kids and helping more in the evenings since I have been distracted by a few tasks in preparation for our friend starting treatment.   He even asked me to lunch one day.  He is making an effort.

I have also been distracted by starting Pilates teacher training.  As my friend said, I have wanted to do “something” for a long time.  The foundation I started is rewarding, but it is not work.  It was stimulating at first, but after six years I feel a bit uninspired.  The Pilates training has given me something productive to focus on.  I look forward to helping people feel better and move.  Just another change in direction on the pathway of life.  A new adventure and a new way to grow.

Holidays will be here soon.  I can’t even think about a Turkey.  Maybe next week.

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