Disjointed

Then – December 14, 1998

It was a good and bad week.  I am enjoying being home and got a lot done.  I don’t feel bored yet!  Thursday was tough.  We went to Connecticut and couldn’t get the car registered or get a license as we needed more information.  We will go back in a few days.  We saw the Nutcracker with a friend last weekend.  We also went with our friends and some of their children to DC to see the Van Gogh exhibit.  Fun train ride, amazing exhibit and great night in Georgetown.

I can’t believe this year is coming to a close.  It has been such a wonderful year.  I don’t want it to end.  I hope the coming years are just as good.  I love Marcus so much.  I want us to be happy.  It scares me how much I want this.

I can’t believe I stay at home and don’t work.  It seems to take some stress off our relationship.  I am so thankful for all that has happened.

Now – As I read my journal entry from a year ago, what I notice is that we were a couple fifteen years ago.  We did things together, went places, and planned for the future together.  Now our lives seem so disjointed.  We each do our own thing, come together as a family to be good parents, but that seems like the extent of it.  We are maintaining, but not growing.

We went to a party last night and from the time we walked in, until we left a couple of hours later, I never saw him.  It’s not like all couples stayed together, but our paths never crossed.  I had invited him to get a drink with me at the bar when we walked in, but he declined and then I was swept up with friendly faces and holiday hugs.  Spitefully then I think, let him fend for himself and he does.  I see him talking to a gentleman from a small gathering at our house the night before.  I move on to say hi to others and that’s the last I see of him until I gather the children to leave.  Awkward.

Maintaining Equilibrium

Then – December 6, 1998

Yeah!  I had my last day of work on Friday.  A whole new adventure is starting for me now.  I hope I’m up for it.  So far I am trying to get organized.  I have a lot of things to take care of.  I’m actually pretty excited.

Marcus and I had an okay weekend.  It’s hard to explain but I feel so sad about us lately. He at times is so good to me and others I just want to get away.  I feel that with all he has done for me I shouldn’t complain, but I know that’s not right.

Yesterday turned out to be a great day.  We got a lot of things for the country house.  It really is shaping up.  It would be great to have our new chair by New Year’s so we can snuggle and watch movies.  We sang Christmas carols all the way back to New York yesterday.  Things are so wonderful sometimes.  I can’t wait to get our tree for Christmas.

Now – Always the dichotomy of good and bad times.  Turkey day has come and gone.  We spent it as a family and it was actually quite enjoyable.  Our trip to the Caribbean will be here before we know it.  We will be returning to the spot where Marcus told me he was done with our marriage two years ago.  I am not sure how I will feel about being there, but think it will be a part of the healing process in some way.  Not sure if it will be helpful or just remind me of how awful things were.  In any case, I would like to make my own peace with being there.  I am looking forward to family time, but I am also eager to allow myself time to relax and to fully take in the beauty of the waves and sunshine.

Fortunately since Marcus decided to maintain the level of respect in our relationship that I had demanded, we are maintaining an equilibrium that we have not found previously in our relationship.  I’m not sure how he’s doing it or why he couldn’t have done it before.  I keep waiting for him to collapse with exhaustion from the effort.

I’m surprised I haven’t collapsed from adding the task of Pilates teacher training to my life.  Maybe we are both just too tired to engage in a negative way!  In any case, I am loving having this daily diversion.  I am finding working with practice clients to teach them Pilates one on one is very rewarding.  I am being both physically and mentally challenged.

Gearing up for the holidays, one day at a time.