But He Always Brings Me Back

Then – September 27, 1998

I still have a lot of questions, but once again the pendulum of our relationship has swung for the better.  I crawled into a hole this week and died.  It was easier to be empty and feel alone than to deal with him.  There were a couple glimmers of hope and then Thursday he was mean to me on the phone again while we were both at work.  Then he wonders why I won’t call him.  The sad thing is that even when I want to call, I’m scared of how I will find him.  I wanted out, but he always brings me back.

Yesterday we talked of children again and all I could think was that two days ago, I was so ready to leave.  He has so much control over my feelings, my life.  I am at his mercy, because I love him so much.  I want this to work but not to my detriment.  My biggest question is children.  I feel so much pressure to please him, how will they grow up?  What if they are not smart like their father?  How will he treat them?  What about religion?  Last week he said he’d have a problem baptizing them, but while he was courting me from afar he said he’d go to church with us.  Was it all just to get me here?  Did he lie to me then?  I guess time will tell.

Now – Time has told a lot, but I seem to be at the same place.  I visited a counselor who is just for me.  He referred me to another gentleman that Marcus and I can see together.  Things were looking up and now down again, so basically the pattern still continues.  In the back of my mind I feel pretty secure though, knowing that I have an attorney and the ball is in Marcus’ court.  The counselor I visited only reassured me that what I want out of a relationship is not unreasonable.  He also gave me a framework for how to clearly communicate Marcus’ options to him.

My son said something last night about how he doesn’t like it when his dad gives him a mean look.  Then today I reread my journal entry from fifteen years ago about concerns for my future children.   While they are growing up, they will have their father in their lives.  I know I provide a balance for them.

Writing on the Wall

Then – September 21, 1998

I’m not sure what to write.  I’m not sure how I feel.  I am very close to the edge – of what I don’t know.  I’m exhausted.  For the first time I am wondering if I need to leave Marcus.  I doubt my relationship with Marcus is healthy for me.  I’m not sure he’s the person I fell in love with.  I know no one is perfect, but I need someone right for me.  I know I love him – maybe too much, or at least the man I thought he was.  He makes me so crazy – crying, tantrums.  I never thought I could be this way.

He doesn’t understand how he pushes me away.  Will he treat our children the way he treats me?  Will they grow up mal adjusted trying to please their “perfect” father?  How will I feel when he treats me poorly in front of the children?

I have a lot of questions.

Now – Why did I not make the decision to leave when I had all these feelings?  I saw the writing on the wall, but stayed.  Here I am 15 years later.  At least there is not the drama of years ago.  Having children and trying to protect them has cut down on my crying and tantrums!  I’ve been too busy teaching them to manage their feelings.

Marcus has agreed to go to counseling as a couple.  I will let him pick whom he would like to see.  He has been more pleasant and attentive.  Apparently I have gotten his attention, but  who knows how long it will last.  Based on the past and our cyclical relationship, I don’t have a lot of hope.  I’ll try because I have two children and love my family.  I love him too, but sadly it’s different now.  Maybe we can find a balance and learn to be a better couple.  Maybe through counseling we will learn to be better co parents to our children while living apart.  Time will tell.  Either way, I’m thinking counseling is a step in the right direction.

He Needs To Be In This For Me Too

Then – September 15, 1998

It’s been a long week.  I went to Boulder on Thursday and returned Sunday to quite the scene at home.  He can make me so volatile that I can’t take being around him.  I’m not sure what to do.  I really just want us to be happy.  I think it was the pressure of being gone and seeing each other that did it.  Once we made up it was great.  I just feel pushed to the point of exploding.  I shake I get so mad.

Boulder was good.  Friends from work and I ran two mornings and also did a little mountain biking and swam in the river.  We were all wet from biking in the rain, so it really didn’t matter if we dove into the river.  It was fun.  I am very happy to be home, but work is very busy.  The fall seems like it is going to be a busy one.  Hopefully London will happen.  I can’t wait for Thanksgiving.  It should be great.  I want to see my sister and everyone back in California!

Now – It’s been glorious.  He has been gone for 4 days at a friend’s daughter’s wedding.  He won’t be back until tomorrow.  My sister came to surprise the kids and we all spent last night out of town for my daughter’s rock climbing competition this morning.  We are back home and tonight she and I will go out to dinner.  I’ll be sad once she’s gone and he’s back!

I visited an attorney this week.  He’s not convinced my marriage is over and is sending me to a marriage counselor to discuss.   He also recommended a therapist to discuss how to handle things with the children – someone they could see down the road.

I will offer to go to counseling with my husband, but if he’s not willing, I think I’ve no other choice but to plan to file for a divorce.  He needs to be in this for me too, not just the kids.  We both deserve that much.

Six Months Notice

Then – September 7, 1998

Another week has gone by.  Today is Labor Day.  It’s been a good weekend.  I’m dreading going to Boulder for work though.  It could be fun too… oh well.   Hopefully Marcus and I will know more about going to London soon.  He may need to go for work.  I will sneak along.  I really want to go.

We went shopping Saturday at the outlets with Marcus’ clients.  Marcus got me lots of new stuff.  He takes very good care of me.  We also went to a tennis match.  We saw Steffi Graff lose to Patty Schnyder and another match.  It was very relaxing and a beautiful night.

Marcus and I are doing well.  We got a little out of whack Friday night.  Miscommunication and I over reacted of course.  We settled it rapidly however.  I think we are doing better.  I love him so much.

Now – Another Labor Day has come and gone.  We headed to a lake so that our son could do some fishing.  He has more focus fishing than anything else I’ve ever seen him tackle.  He caught a ton of little fish.  I think next time we will go after something bigger.  It was very relaxing being on the water.  It really all worked out better than I had planned.  We kayaked, canoed, fished and then headed to a park with waterfalls on the way home.

Although things went well over the weekend even between my husband and me, it’s largely because Marcus is reacting to the fact that I have given him six months notice that I would like to file for a divorce.  We had agreed to this six month period prior to either of us filing for a divorce a year and a half ago.  It was my suggestion because I just couldn’t figure out why he wanted a divorce so badly and then backed out.  I didn’t feel like I could live day to day wondering when he would change his mind and decide he wanted a divorce after all.  Now I am the one having to live by the six month agreement.  It is probably for the best not to rush  into anything too quickly.

He suggested counseling, but I am not that committed any longer.  I told him that if he would like to go to counseling and if I saw him make some improvements that I would join him or we could find another counselor to see together.  He seems to think he can make this work on his own, but after 15 years why would he think that?  He will only fall into his old habits and I will be glad I gave him fair warning.  I have an appointment with one attorney and plan to schedule another.  I just want to be sure I have my bases covered when the time comes.

My therapist had said that I would know when it was time.  I’m feeling pretty sure it’s time.  His effort this weekend seems too little too late, but then there are the kids to think about.  I’ll give him a chance, but my heart is not in it.