Six Months Notice

Then – September 7, 1998

Another week has gone by.  Today is Labor Day.  It’s been a good weekend.  I’m dreading going to Boulder for work though.  It could be fun too… oh well.   Hopefully Marcus and I will know more about going to London soon.  He may need to go for work.  I will sneak along.  I really want to go.

We went shopping Saturday at the outlets with Marcus’ clients.  Marcus got me lots of new stuff.  He takes very good care of me.  We also went to a tennis match.  We saw Steffi Graff lose to Patty Schnyder and another match.  It was very relaxing and a beautiful night.

Marcus and I are doing well.  We got a little out of whack Friday night.  Miscommunication and I over reacted of course.  We settled it rapidly however.  I think we are doing better.  I love him so much.

Now – Another Labor Day has come and gone.  We headed to a lake so that our son could do some fishing.  He has more focus fishing than anything else I’ve ever seen him tackle.  He caught a ton of little fish.  I think next time we will go after something bigger.  It was very relaxing being on the water.  It really all worked out better than I had planned.  We kayaked, canoed, fished and then headed to a park with waterfalls on the way home.

Although things went well over the weekend even between my husband and me, it’s largely because Marcus is reacting to the fact that I have given him six months notice that I would like to file for a divorce.  We had agreed to this six month period prior to either of us filing for a divorce a year and a half ago.  It was my suggestion because I just couldn’t figure out why he wanted a divorce so badly and then backed out.  I didn’t feel like I could live day to day wondering when he would change his mind and decide he wanted a divorce after all.  Now I am the one having to live by the six month agreement.  It is probably for the best not to rush  into anything too quickly.

He suggested counseling, but I am not that committed any longer.  I told him that if he would like to go to counseling and if I saw him make some improvements that I would join him or we could find another counselor to see together.  He seems to think he can make this work on his own, but after 15 years why would he think that?  He will only fall into his old habits and I will be glad I gave him fair warning.  I have an appointment with one attorney and plan to schedule another.  I just want to be sure I have my bases covered when the time comes.

My therapist had said that I would know when it was time.  I’m feeling pretty sure it’s time.  His effort this weekend seems too little too late, but then there are the kids to think about.  I’ll give him a chance, but my heart is not in it.

 

Busy But Empty

Then – August 30, 1998

Well he liked the helicopter ride, but I got a little hormonal after at dinner.  I just felt sad.  I did not deal with it well.  It’s been a very good week.  Sunday we went to his businesses partner’s house for a BBQ.  A lot of their visiting clients were there to get out of the city for a while.  They are here working from a bank in London.  Good food, beautiful place, lots of land, trees, flowers, and quiet.  We rode his motorcycle.  I was a little scared, but you just can’t think about falling and crashing.  Speaking of crashing, on the way to golf yesterday, we crashed the Jag.  Hopefully they can fix it easily.  I love our car.  It’s got to feel better.

Monday night I saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s in the park.  I went with friends from work.  He didn’t go.    It was very pleasant.  It could have been romantic, but he was not there.

Tuesday we had happy hour for work.  It was okay.  I went to the gym – people stayed late…

Wednesday we were planning on golfing, but there was threatening weather.  I went to the gym instead.

Thursday I went to Shakespeare in the park with a coworker from our office and a manager from the corporate office.  It was amazing, but long and a late night.

The weekend has been great.  I love him so much.  It’s been over a week since we fought, but we also haven’t spent much time together.  I just want us to be happy.  Friday we went to a movie.  Saturday he worked a little.  I shopped at Macy’s, we went to a movie, dinner – good risotto! Today we did stuff around the house until about 2pm and then went to the Museum of Natural History.  Tonight we are having dinner with friends at an upscale restaurant.  I hope it’s yummy!

Now – I remember that week.  I felt busy, but empty.  Who would not want to go see Breakfast at Tiffany’s in Bryant Park?  It should have been a clue.

I keep my life busy with friends and my children and their friends, but it still feels empty.  I see my friends’ husbands love their wives, posting on Facebook how their wives are as beautiful today as they day they married.  Granted I don’t need this type of overt display, but just knowing I was loved would feel amazing.  Maybe I want too much.  Maybe I do have it better than most, but that cannot be a standard for my life.  I want to set an example for my children of a happy marriage.  Sure there are going to be disagreements, but underneath it all should be love and respect.  I do not want my children to grow up thinking that it is okay for them to be in a relationship where you are not being treated well.  I’m afraid that is what I have been teaching my children.  I think it needs to stop.

The Promise of a Few Good Days

Then – August 22, 1998

Another week gone by, I’m sitting in the park again, getting some sun.  He and I had a few poor days – Sat. Sun. Mon. Tues.  I guess it was Wednesday night when we finally talked.  I really believe we both want this to work.  We discussed why we have the bad times.  It’s been a good few days. I got cookies and Godiva delivered to work.  It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but it is really nice.

I just want him to love me, but I have to be myself.  The last few days have been good.  Let’s see if we can keep it going tonight and all day tomorrow.  I hope he likes the helicopter ride I got for him.  I hope I do too!

Now – The promise of a few good days is what always brought me back – every time… for fifteen years.  Things are more stable now – less ups and downs, mostly because we don’t have the ups.  I’m finding that I miss the ups and the times when I did feel connected to him.  While intermittent, I did feel loved and valued.  I feel a lot of love and know I am valued by my children, but somehow that’s different.  Would I feel the same if there were no man in my life or is it even more frustrating because he’s right here and it’s a very unsatisfying relationship?  He is supposed to love and respect me, but I don’t get the impression that he does.  I’m starting to accept the fact that while I love him, he’s really not the person I want to love.

I asked him this weekend after a blow up at the ballpark, “Who talks to people that way?”, referring to how he spoke to me there.  I was trying to help him hold things after some food had been dropped by one of our children.  He raised his voice and told me to stop bossing him.  It was a rant after that.  I asked him why he was so worked up.  I told him to take a deep breath and think about how he had just acted.  After he came back from getting a replacement slice of pizza, he tried to be cute and funny.  That wasn’t what I needed.   I needed him to say that he acted like a jerk and was sorry.  Am I supposed to just suck it up and pretend that he was not rude to me in front of our children and several people seated around us?  He just keeps pushing me farther and farther away.  When he asked for a hug after our discussion about this, I really didn’t want to.  I told him I didn’t want anything from him, other than he just be a good co parent.  Not sure where to go from here.

 

Not Uncomfortable Enough to Leave

Then – August 15, 1998

It seems like there is a lot going on.  Work is really busy now for both of us.  I put in 14 ½ hours Thursday.  I haven’t done that in a long time. We had a project plan due for one of our clients, but our consultant didn’t come through.  The whole office pooled together to finish what he had started in order to get something to the client.

Yesterday I golfed in a tournament for work.  I did well for me, but evidently terrible in comparison as I got the “most honest golfer” award.  Tomorrow we have another lesson and will golf afterwards.  Hopefully I won’t need to go into work.  He is at work today.  I shopped a little at Macy’s  with my gift certificate.  Four hours of shopping almost – wow! Not much that I really couldn’t live without.  I looked for a watch and a suede shirt for him, but had zero luck.  That’s how it is when you have the funds.  Things don’t look as inviting.

He and I are doing okay.  I really don’t care for what I have become being with him. I know though that I am the one who decides how I am, not him.  I keep looking for myself and my inner strength.  I love him so dearly.  I don’t want to ruin this.  I’m just going to focus on being happy.

Now – I think I should have ruined it before we were married for almost 15 years and had two children together!  Hindsight.  It’s the little things that really push me over the edge, because the big things are not where they need to be.  Surely happily married people get into disagreements and don’t see eye to eye on things, but the difference is that they RESPECT and LOVE each other and are committed to being in a lasting relationship.  I think I can finally say I am just biding my time until I feel comfortable enough to leave him or uncomfortable enough that I cannot stay.  For me it always comes back to wanting the kids to have a family and trying to figure out a way to make it work and keep myself sane.

Becoming the Exact Opposite

Then – August 10, 1998

Wow!  Another week has gone by.  I’m so tired.  My sister came for the weekend.  I had missed her.  It felt good to talk.  We had fun at the park, going shopping, eating breakfast at Tea and Sympathy, and riding in the golf cart smoking cigars.  I hope we both find the happiness we deserve –  even if we don’t deserve it!

Now – I got an eye roll a couple days ago and it didn’t fare well for him.  I think I just keep things bottled up and then when something goes awry, I get even more upset than it deserves.  He was very conciliatory and even suggested we go out on our own last weekend.  We went.  It was okay.   We went out to eat somewhere we used to frequent quite often.  Sometimes I feel like we are in a business relationship more than in a marriage.  I really just want some companionship, but am likely to avoid being with him unless it is as a family.  It just doesn’t seem like he has a lot to offer and he really doesn’t seem to want what I have to contribute.

Recently I saw a comic in the New Yorker magazine.  I think it sums it up perfectly.  It’s caption read with the woman saying, “When, exactly, did all the stuff you love about me become all the stuff you hate about me?”.  In a way it was comforting because apparently I’m not the only one who feels like I’ve become the exact opposite of what he wanted in a wife.

Sometimes He’s Like Two Different People

Then – August 2, 1998 Denver was boring.  Our company needs to learn how to train.  Our youth really showed.  I didn’t even get to see much of the city.  What I did see was not exciting.

I am going to get an early bonus!  The check didn’t come so I got a $500 gift certificate.  I chose Macy’s.

My sister is coming this Friday.  I can’t wait.  I’m sure he  will be on his best behavior.  Sometimes he’s like two different people.

I made dinner last night – just salad, bread, garlic spread and poppy seed cake.  It was not  bad for a hot evening.  Marcus seemed to like it, but I never really know.

Why does loving him make me sad?  Is it because I’m not really happy?  Do I feel trapped?  Where else would I go?  Back to California no doubt.  I can’t wait to go visit for Thanksgiving.

It’s so nice here in the park.  You need to get away when you live in NYC.  It’s just way too much cement.  We are off to golf tonight.  I’m not feeling all that chummy with him, but hopefully I’ll play a good round.

He paid for me to get a massage today.  It wasn’t as good as the previous massage, but it was relaxing.    Sometimes I feel guilty accepting things from him.  Will that go away?

Now – I recently got back from a long weekend with my daughter to visit her cousins in Florida.  He was less than friendly when I called him and our son at home on Friday.  On Saturday I smartened up and called my son on the house phone.  I figured if he wanted to talk to our daughter he could call her.  By Sunday he was calling us and even wanted to talk to me when I answered and suggested I get our daughter on the phone.  It’s a small example, but it shows that I have little to do with his moods.  I wasn’t there for three days.  At least his mood improved for our return home!

Some times he’s like two different people.  I am doing better giving him his space when he’s the person I’d rather not be around.  Problem is that when he comes around, I don’t necessarily feel eager to jump back in his space.

Real Life

Then – July 26, 1998

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster.  Today I leave for Denver and I know I could never decide to be apart from him forever.  Two days is hard enough.  I love him with all my heart.

We had a great weekend.  We went to an amazing restaurant for dinner.  We talked about us during dinner too, which appears to be a good thing.  I love him with all my heart and very being.  I ate and drank so much that I couldn’t keep my eyes open at the end of the evening.  I guess if you pay that much for dinner, you can nap.

Yesterday we played golf and went to dinner with a gentleman from his work.  Golf was okay. I just want to do better.  We had dinner at a bar-b-que restaurant and then got ice cream cones and walked around. We got a new print for the living room.  It should be here Thursday.   I’m enjoying building our lives together.

The highest highs and the lowest lows, I don’t know if he’ll ever understand how much I love him.

Now – I remember so clearly wanting to lift my head off his shoulder when the waiter came around to settle our check.  What a night.  One of my best meals in Manhattan ever.  Looking back it seems when things started to get rocky between us early in our relationship, he’d pull out the charm again and sweep me off my feet.  It was almost like a drug filling me completely, making me so hopeful that we would never have a bad day again!  But this is stuff of fairy tales and not real life.  I so wanted the fairly tale.  Real life takes a lot of work.

Now things are more balanced.  I try not to let the bad days get too bad.  When it’s going well, I try not to get too enthusiastic.  I try to remember to be even, respectful, mindful.  While hindsight is 20/20, I’m trying to be a mindful observer of our relationship now.

Helping it All Make Sense

Then – July 22, 1998

I want to talk about a problem with him he says I’m “beating something to death”.  I am inadequate and incompetent.  He didn’t say that, but that’s how I feel after talking to him.

Why?  Why?  Why do I almost at least weekly think that he is such a jerk that I can’t stand the thought of being around him another second and at other moments I love him so dearly?  Is this normal?  Do I need to find a shrink in New York? Maybe I just need my own apartment?  Give it time?  Why? So I can get used to this?  I have to respect myself more than that…

Dinner with our friends was good, late but good.  Of course he and I had a fight that afternoon because I said “whatever” when he asked me what I wanted to do.  I really didn’t know.  Evidently that wasn’t acceptable.  I spilled my guts about a lot of my feelings.  I felt better.  I just don’t know if this relationship is right.  Will I ever know?  Will I give up too soon?  He asked me a while back not to let him blow this relationship.  Now I know what he meant.  No wonder he’s still single.  Am I the one strong enough to deal with his moods?  I know I’m not perfect.  Maybe together we just don’t make a good couple.  Oh well, can’t decide today.  Tomorrow is another day.  Scarlett

Now – Things have been great.  I haven’t seen him since Thursday morning.  Just kidding, but still true.    Actually things have been going pretty smoothly ever since my blood pressure appointment.  I really do think it was a wake up call for us both.  We’ve had our blips and disagreements since then, but have recovered quickly, which is not the norm.  Just  like with my father though, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go south again.  It will happen.  I know it.  The question is, how will I choose to respond and how quickly will it blow over.

My blood pressure has been fine.  I returned to the doctor and was told to check it weekly.   I go back in a few months.  She thinks it was just too much stress.  I wonder why it didn’t happen a year and a half ago when things were so stressful and I thought we were headed for an imminent divorce.  I’m trying to do better taking care of me.  Making an effort to do more things that I enjoy.  Trying to remember that he is not all bad, acknowledging the good that he does.  Reading and writing about my life, to help it all make sense.

Down and Up Again

Then – July 16, 1998

Maybe relationships aren’t supposed to last.  Am I a romantic?  Yes, but does that mean I have to spend the rest of my live wishing for more in a relationship?  Being alone is more appealing as time goes by.   Why are relationships so good in the beginning and then fizzle?  Why do men get so comfortable?  Why can’t that effort be there?  Have I stopped putting in the effort to make our relationship work? I don’t know.  I feel on the one hand, scared to put forth the effort, because he is never pleased.  I feel even less incentive now as he just seems indifferent.  Life here in New York is just as boring as married life was.  Who needs to pay this kind of money to live here, for what?

I long for how happy I was in Los Angeles.  Was I happy because I knew he loved me?  Was I happier with the pipe dream than I am with the real thing? It could be.  I have no idea.  All I want is for him to look at me the way he once did.  I always try to remember special things.  There is one moment that I’ll never forget.  I don’t think I wrote about it when it happened.  It was about six months ago at Le Zoo restaurant during my first trip here.  He was so sweet, so romantic.  He looked at me and said, “You are so perfect.  There is no question, you have to be my wife.”  I’ll never forget that moment or how in love I was.  Where does it go?  I need those feelings.  I want those feelings.  I feel like my first marriage ended because I needed those feelings.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking.  Was alone better?  Do I want to be trapped in a marriage again?  I’m beginning to think more and more, not.  I love him. I want to make him happy.  Why do I always need more?  I just don’t get what I need out of relationships.   Yet at the same time, he is so good to me how can I complain?  My ex husband was good to me too.  He was the best husband ever and I let him go.  Is this going to last?  How long will I try?  Does he even see what is happening?

His comment tonight about women needing more repeating as far as hearing “I love you, etc.” really upset me.  It’s a small thing.  It’s not even that.  It’s a lack of everything.  Sex has almost become habit again.  I feel like I’m losing interest which doesn’t make it any better for him either.  What’s going on here?  I want him to be happy, but what about me?  He pisses me off and falls asleep and I run to my journal.  Thank goodness I have some form of outlet.  I wish I could sleep.

Maybe I just need to be free.  Yet – I know I want this to work and I love him more than anything.  I need to be happy too though.

More then – July 18, 1998

So I feel better.  How do I get myself in such a tizzy?  How do I really feel?  I don’t know.

He was wonderful to me last night.  He really made me feel good (in multiple ways).  He was fun, loving and supportive.  Things were much better.  I know I need to put forth effort too.  I’m going to think of some ideas.  I already have a couple.

Today we went to the park and took skating lessons.  It was really fun, except my back is really sunburned.  I also got a helmet and elbow pads.  Maybe I’ll be more confident.

We are going to have dinner with friends tonight.

I am very excited. I booked my sister’s trip to New York today.  I can’t wait to see her.

Sometimes I Just Don’t Want to Be Around Him

Then – July 14, 1998

Where to begin when so many days have gone by?  Last Friday he was a crab, but he got over it by Saturday morning.  Sometimes I just don’t want to be around him.  How can I love him so much and want to be away from him?

Sunday I went to Central Park and lay in the sun.  It was great.  I will definitely do that again.  I also went for a run.  Most importantly we got a kitten.  She’s beautiful.  She’s ours.  This is his first real pet.  He took her to work and is really enamored with her.  It’s very cute.  My old cat is getting used to her too.

Yesterday and today I’ve been ill, low energy, sleepy, headache.  I only went to work for a few hours yesterday and stayed home today.  I got a massage, the most awesome massage of my life.  He paid for it.   It was really sweet of him.  It was amazing.  So now my head doesn’t hurt, but I still have zero energy.

I want to feel good.  I want to feel happy.  I don’t feel either.

Now – Things had been pretty good until a couple days ago.  The terseness began.  He left without coming over to say good bye in the morning (did get a shout from the door however).  The next evening I pointed out that he seemed to have a bit of an attitude, which he denied.   I decided to go to tennis.  Sometimes I just don’t want to be around him.  He was more pleasant afterwards.  We’ll see how he is this morning.  We’ll see how quickly he recovers.

I can’t help but wonder if it didn’t have something to do with his sister calling to see if he and our son wanted to go to a baseball game with them.  He’s not going to go.  He’s going to email his sister instead of calling her back.  I really think deciding how to deal with the phone call and invite upset his balance.  At least he’s okay with our son going with his aunt, uncle and cousin to the game.

It seems like life is so much simpler if we are all just nice to each other.  Surely I don’t get along with everyone, but I am pleasant.  I don’t avoid real problems with people that need to be discussed.  He says I’m being fake, but really I’m just being my best self.  I don’t have to spend hours with people I don’t align with, but surely I can make an effort to be kind when necessary.