But He Always Brings Me Back

Then – September 27, 1998

I still have a lot of questions, but once again the pendulum of our relationship has swung for the better.  I crawled into a hole this week and died.  It was easier to be empty and feel alone than to deal with him.  There were a couple glimmers of hope and then Thursday he was mean to me on the phone again while we were both at work.  Then he wonders why I won’t call him.  The sad thing is that even when I want to call, I’m scared of how I will find him.  I wanted out, but he always brings me back.

Yesterday we talked of children again and all I could think was that two days ago, I was so ready to leave.  He has so much control over my feelings, my life.  I am at his mercy, because I love him so much.  I want this to work but not to my detriment.  My biggest question is children.  I feel so much pressure to please him, how will they grow up?  What if they are not smart like their father?  How will he treat them?  What about religion?  Last week he said he’d have a problem baptizing them, but while he was courting me from afar he said he’d go to church with us.  Was it all just to get me here?  Did he lie to me then?  I guess time will tell.

Now – Time has told a lot, but I seem to be at the same place.  I visited a counselor who is just for me.  He referred me to another gentleman that Marcus and I can see together.  Things were looking up and now down again, so basically the pattern still continues.  In the back of my mind I feel pretty secure though, knowing that I have an attorney and the ball is in Marcus’ court.  The counselor I visited only reassured me that what I want out of a relationship is not unreasonable.  He also gave me a framework for how to clearly communicate Marcus’ options to him.

My son said something last night about how he doesn’t like it when his dad gives him a mean look.  Then today I reread my journal entry from fifteen years ago about concerns for my future children.   While they are growing up, they will have their father in their lives.  I know I provide a balance for them.

Becoming the Exact Opposite

Then – August 10, 1998

Wow!  Another week has gone by.  I’m so tired.  My sister came for the weekend.  I had missed her.  It felt good to talk.  We had fun at the park, going shopping, eating breakfast at Tea and Sympathy, and riding in the golf cart smoking cigars.  I hope we both find the happiness we deserve –  even if we don’t deserve it!

Now – I got an eye roll a couple days ago and it didn’t fare well for him.  I think I just keep things bottled up and then when something goes awry, I get even more upset than it deserves.  He was very conciliatory and even suggested we go out on our own last weekend.  We went.  It was okay.   We went out to eat somewhere we used to frequent quite often.  Sometimes I feel like we are in a business relationship more than in a marriage.  I really just want some companionship, but am likely to avoid being with him unless it is as a family.  It just doesn’t seem like he has a lot to offer and he really doesn’t seem to want what I have to contribute.

Recently I saw a comic in the New Yorker magazine.  I think it sums it up perfectly.  It’s caption read with the woman saying, “When, exactly, did all the stuff you love about me become all the stuff you hate about me?”.  In a way it was comforting because apparently I’m not the only one who feels like I’ve become the exact opposite of what he wanted in a wife.

Sometimes He’s Like Two Different People

Then – August 2, 1998 Denver was boring.  Our company needs to learn how to train.  Our youth really showed.  I didn’t even get to see much of the city.  What I did see was not exciting.

I am going to get an early bonus!  The check didn’t come so I got a $500 gift certificate.  I chose Macy’s.

My sister is coming this Friday.  I can’t wait.  I’m sure he  will be on his best behavior.  Sometimes he’s like two different people.

I made dinner last night – just salad, bread, garlic spread and poppy seed cake.  It was not  bad for a hot evening.  Marcus seemed to like it, but I never really know.

Why does loving him make me sad?  Is it because I’m not really happy?  Do I feel trapped?  Where else would I go?  Back to California no doubt.  I can’t wait to go visit for Thanksgiving.

It’s so nice here in the park.  You need to get away when you live in NYC.  It’s just way too much cement.  We are off to golf tonight.  I’m not feeling all that chummy with him, but hopefully I’ll play a good round.

He paid for me to get a massage today.  It wasn’t as good as the previous massage, but it was relaxing.    Sometimes I feel guilty accepting things from him.  Will that go away?

Now – I recently got back from a long weekend with my daughter to visit her cousins in Florida.  He was less than friendly when I called him and our son at home on Friday.  On Saturday I smartened up and called my son on the house phone.  I figured if he wanted to talk to our daughter he could call her.  By Sunday he was calling us and even wanted to talk to me when I answered and suggested I get our daughter on the phone.  It’s a small example, but it shows that I have little to do with his moods.  I wasn’t there for three days.  At least his mood improved for our return home!

Some times he’s like two different people.  I am doing better giving him his space when he’s the person I’d rather not be around.  Problem is that when he comes around, I don’t necessarily feel eager to jump back in his space.