Maintaining Equilibrium

Then – December 6, 1998

Yeah!  I had my last day of work on Friday.  A whole new adventure is starting for me now.  I hope I’m up for it.  So far I am trying to get organized.  I have a lot of things to take care of.  I’m actually pretty excited.

Marcus and I had an okay weekend.  It’s hard to explain but I feel so sad about us lately. He at times is so good to me and others I just want to get away.  I feel that with all he has done for me I shouldn’t complain, but I know that’s not right.

Yesterday turned out to be a great day.  We got a lot of things for the country house.  It really is shaping up.  It would be great to have our new chair by New Year’s so we can snuggle and watch movies.  We sang Christmas carols all the way back to New York yesterday.  Things are so wonderful sometimes.  I can’t wait to get our tree for Christmas.

Now – Always the dichotomy of good and bad times.  Turkey day has come and gone.  We spent it as a family and it was actually quite enjoyable.  Our trip to the Caribbean will be here before we know it.  We will be returning to the spot where Marcus told me he was done with our marriage two years ago.  I am not sure how I will feel about being there, but think it will be a part of the healing process in some way.  Not sure if it will be helpful or just remind me of how awful things were.  In any case, I would like to make my own peace with being there.  I am looking forward to family time, but I am also eager to allow myself time to relax and to fully take in the beauty of the waves and sunshine.

Fortunately since Marcus decided to maintain the level of respect in our relationship that I had demanded, we are maintaining an equilibrium that we have not found previously in our relationship.  I’m not sure how he’s doing it or why he couldn’t have done it before.  I keep waiting for him to collapse with exhaustion from the effort.

I’m surprised I haven’t collapsed from adding the task of Pilates teacher training to my life.  Maybe we are both just too tired to engage in a negative way!  In any case, I am loving having this daily diversion.  I am finding working with practice clients to teach them Pilates one on one is very rewarding.  I am being both physically and mentally challenged.

Gearing up for the holidays, one day at a time.


Deja Vu

Then – October 3, 1998

Life continues  to move forward.  I really thought about applying for another job last week.  Things are slow at work which makes it even more unbearable.  I like the people that I work with, so that helps.

Marcus and I talked about a lot of things.  I’m not sure how it will all work out, but we are doing okay.

Marcus can be so wonderful.  I really liked being with him yesterday just doing stuff.  He can make me so happy, but also so sad.  This week was a good one.  Let’s hope it continues.

Now – Life continues to move forward.  I am really thinking about what I want to be when I grow up (after kids are a bit older and I have more flexibility to work).  Things have been a bit tedious lately and not that fulfilling, but I have a lot of good friends which helps.

Marcus and I have talked about a lot of things.  I’m not sure how it will all work out, but we are doing okay.

He can be so wonderful.  I really liked being with him last weekend.  He can make me so happy, but also so sad.  This week has been a good one.  Let’s hope it continues.

Basically the same, right?  Fifteen years later.  So curious that I have the same sentiments and can basically copy a journal entry from so long ago.  I am feeling optimistic however.  I feel confident that no matter how this turns out, I have a good future.

I can look at him more openly now.  He is good with the kids and really tries to make a difference in their lives.  He is helping me with the dishes and appreciating the effort to make dinner.  It really is the little things that help you get from one day to the next.  Right now I don’t need roses and diamonds.  I just need kind words and loving support.  Can he do it?

Busy But Empty

Then – August 30, 1998

Well he liked the helicopter ride, but I got a little hormonal after at dinner.  I just felt sad.  I did not deal with it well.  It’s been a very good week.  Sunday we went to his businesses partner’s house for a BBQ.  A lot of their visiting clients were there to get out of the city for a while.  They are here working from a bank in London.  Good food, beautiful place, lots of land, trees, flowers, and quiet.  We rode his motorcycle.  I was a little scared, but you just can’t think about falling and crashing.  Speaking of crashing, on the way to golf yesterday, we crashed the Jag.  Hopefully they can fix it easily.  I love our car.  It’s got to feel better.

Monday night I saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s in the park.  I went with friends from work.  He didn’t go.    It was very pleasant.  It could have been romantic, but he was not there.

Tuesday we had happy hour for work.  It was okay.  I went to the gym – people stayed late…

Wednesday we were planning on golfing, but there was threatening weather.  I went to the gym instead.

Thursday I went to Shakespeare in the park with a coworker from our office and a manager from the corporate office.  It was amazing, but long and a late night.

The weekend has been great.  I love him so much.  It’s been over a week since we fought, but we also haven’t spent much time together.  I just want us to be happy.  Friday we went to a movie.  Saturday he worked a little.  I shopped at Macy’s, we went to a movie, dinner – good risotto! Today we did stuff around the house until about 2pm and then went to the Museum of Natural History.  Tonight we are having dinner with friends at an upscale restaurant.  I hope it’s yummy!

Now – I remember that week.  I felt busy, but empty.  Who would not want to go see Breakfast at Tiffany’s in Bryant Park?  It should have been a clue.

I keep my life busy with friends and my children and their friends, but it still feels empty.  I see my friends’ husbands love their wives, posting on Facebook how their wives are as beautiful today as they day they married.  Granted I don’t need this type of overt display, but just knowing I was loved would feel amazing.  Maybe I want too much.  Maybe I do have it better than most, but that cannot be a standard for my life.  I want to set an example for my children of a happy marriage.  Sure there are going to be disagreements, but underneath it all should be love and respect.  I do not want my children to grow up thinking that it is okay for them to be in a relationship where you are not being treated well.  I’m afraid that is what I have been teaching my children.  I think it needs to stop.

The Promise of a Few Good Days

Then – August 22, 1998

Another week gone by, I’m sitting in the park again, getting some sun.  He and I had a few poor days – Sat. Sun. Mon. Tues.  I guess it was Wednesday night when we finally talked.  I really believe we both want this to work.  We discussed why we have the bad times.  It’s been a good few days. I got cookies and Godiva delivered to work.  It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but it is really nice.

I just want him to love me, but I have to be myself.  The last few days have been good.  Let’s see if we can keep it going tonight and all day tomorrow.  I hope he likes the helicopter ride I got for him.  I hope I do too!

Now – The promise of a few good days is what always brought me back – every time… for fifteen years.  Things are more stable now – less ups and downs, mostly because we don’t have the ups.  I’m finding that I miss the ups and the times when I did feel connected to him.  While intermittent, I did feel loved and valued.  I feel a lot of love and know I am valued by my children, but somehow that’s different.  Would I feel the same if there were no man in my life or is it even more frustrating because he’s right here and it’s a very unsatisfying relationship?  He is supposed to love and respect me, but I don’t get the impression that he does.  I’m starting to accept the fact that while I love him, he’s really not the person I want to love.

I asked him this weekend after a blow up at the ballpark, “Who talks to people that way?”, referring to how he spoke to me there.  I was trying to help him hold things after some food had been dropped by one of our children.  He raised his voice and told me to stop bossing him.  It was a rant after that.  I asked him why he was so worked up.  I told him to take a deep breath and think about how he had just acted.  After he came back from getting a replacement slice of pizza, he tried to be cute and funny.  That wasn’t what I needed.   I needed him to say that he acted like a jerk and was sorry.  Am I supposed to just suck it up and pretend that he was not rude to me in front of our children and several people seated around us?  He just keeps pushing me farther and farther away.  When he asked for a hug after our discussion about this, I really didn’t want to.  I told him I didn’t want anything from him, other than he just be a good co parent.  Not sure where to go from here.